Texty of the week, name removed due to potentially sensitive subject matter:
So I banged a stripper this morning. I made her eggs and bacon for breakfast. I think I paid for sex. Is that bad?
Even funnier because I received that at like 7:30 in the morning on a Saturday, so I was half asleep and hungover when I read it. I love my friends.
Question of the week:
If you HAD to choose one, would you rather have a threesome with Brangelina or TomKat?
I leave for Vegas tomorrow morning. If I don't make it back alive, well then I hope you've all enjoyed reading....
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
Vegas, Baby. Vegas.
Just a couple days away from Vegas trip number 4. Excitement level = high. Productivity = low. After going to Vegas three times in 12 months (New Year's '06, Spring Break '06, New Year's '07) I haven't been there in 17 months. This seems crazy to me, it feels like just yesterday that I was leaving for my favorite place on Earth. Here are a couple of old posts, one of them written right before trip #3, which talks about my highlights and lowlights from the first two trips, and the other one written right after trip #3, which gives the rundown of trip #3.
"Number of times someone tells Russell to shut up"
over/under 10. Russell generally gets treated worse than Walter Sobcheck treats Donny in Big Lebowski. This is especially true when drinking is involved. Sometimes it's unfair, sometimes it's deserved, but regardless, it's reality. "Shut the fuck up, Russell, you're out of your element!"
"Haley passes out before 3 p.m. at least once during the trip"
Bet $130 to win $100. Watching Haley drink is like watching replays of the Ron Artest Melee. It's entertaining as hell, and you don't really want it to stop, but you just know that it is not going to end well for anybody involved.
"Horp and Noles each have a chew"
Bet $500 to win $100. Both are in the process in quitting, let's just say I don't have a lot of faith in either one to make it this weekend. In fact, this bet should probably be taken off the board. Prove me wrong, fellas.
"Total hours I sleep"
over/under 10. I know last time I only slept like 7 or 8 hours in four nights, but that was kind of a ridiculous performance, I don't know if I can repeat that.
***pre-gaming wayyy too hard so that by the time the main event starts, you're already a mess. Similar to Patrick Ewing, when he would be absolutely dripping in sweat by the end of warm-ups. Everyone start using that one, I want it to make the urban dictionary.
As previously mentioned, I have an obscene number of close friends who are got engaged within a few months of each other, so the official reasoning for this trip is a multiple bachelor party. Although, speaking personally, if someone gave the reasoning of "We should go to Vegas, it's Friday tomorrow" I would be in, no questions asked.
The cast of characters: me, Noles, Horp, Fundy, Bergman, St. Aubyn, Russell, Ike, Jake, ADawg, Haley, and Dacus. Previously, the most people I've traveled there with is 4 others, and the most people I've been responsible for, so to speak, is 8. So I've been proposing that we use a buddy system or something this weekend, or all of a sudden it's gonna be like 3 a.m. on Monday morning and we're gonna realize we haven't seen Haley since he was talking to the tranny prosititue outside of Mandalay Bay 31 hours ago.
We're staying at Caesar's Palace, a far cry from my first night in Vegas, when spur of the moment, we decided to drive there from L.A. at 1 a.m. and ended up sleeping on Jake's hotel room floor from 10-10:30 that morning. I'm happy about this, because now if anyone's taking a beating gambling, instead of having to just ride it out until the bitter end, they can head back to the pool and hit on topless 40-year-old ladies (foreshadowing.)
I've been to Vegas with some combination of many of these dudes before, but never all at once. It promises to be a truly rowdy time. In the spirit of gambling, here are some prop bets for the weekend:
"Number of times St. Aubyn drunkenly yells "Hiyoooo, it's me- Papa Burgundy"
over/under 68. (Take the over on this one. Side story: during a UND football game a few years ago, we got a little Patrick Ewinged***, and St. Aubyn was slumped over in his seat, incoherent, by the end of the 1st quarter. The only way we knew he was still alive was that, every time the PA would yell "First down, Fighting Siouuuuuux!!!" he would snap alert and scream "Hiyoooo, it's me- Papa Burgundy!" EVERY TIME, to the point that he had pissed off everyone within 30 yards of us. So now it's the beginning of the 4th quarter, and we suddenly realize we haven't heard him in a really long time. We turn around and yep, his seat is empty. We're a little bit worried, but quickly forget again (we're all hammered and don't take the best care of each other; whatever, we're not chicks) and continue watching the game. A while later, after a Sioux first down, we're greeted with a rambunctious "Hiyoooo, it's me- Papa Burgundy" and we turn around and there's St. Aubyn, in all his glory. Apparently he went to take a shit and passed out on the toilet for the entire third quarter before waking up again. All told, he probably yelled the Papa Burgundy line around 50 times that day. So again I say, take the over on this one. End of ridiculously long side story.)
"Number of dollars gambled by ADawg"
over/under $1. Unless he's abandoned his "I don't gamble" mantra, which to a degenerate like me is completely and totally insane, especially in Vegas. You can also parlay this bet with "number of times we make fun of ADawg for not gambling" (over/under 200) or make it a three-team teaser along with "number of times we make fun of ADawg for various reasons, including: being short, reminding us of Michael J. Fox from Back to the Future, reminding us of Michael J. Fox from Teen Wolf, dressing like an Abercrombie Model, and reminding us of Michael J. Fox from Family Ties." The over/under for that one is 650.
"Number of times someone tells Russell to shut up"
over/under 10. Russell generally gets treated worse than Walter Sobcheck treats Donny in Big Lebowski. This is especially true when drinking is involved. Sometimes it's unfair, sometimes it's deserved, but regardless, it's reality. "Shut the fuck up, Russell, you're out of your element!"
"Haley passes out before 3 p.m. at least once during the trip"
Bet $130 to win $100. Watching Haley drink is like watching replays of the Ron Artest Melee. It's entertaining as hell, and you don't really want it to stop, but you just know that it is not going to end well for anybody involved.
"Horp and Noles each have a chew"
Bet $500 to win $100. Both are in the process in quitting, let's just say I don't have a lot of faith in either one to make it this weekend. In fact, this bet should probably be taken off the board. Prove me wrong, fellas.
"Total hours I sleep"
over/under 10. I know last time I only slept like 7 or 8 hours in four nights, but that was kind of a ridiculous performance, I don't know if I can repeat that.
***pre-gaming wayyy too hard so that by the time the main event starts, you're already a mess. Similar to Patrick Ewing, when he would be absolutely dripping in sweat by the end of warm-ups. Everyone start using that one, I want it to make the urban dictionary.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
The Boards
I was recently introduced to The Boards, an email system started a while ago by Noles, Horp, and Jon-Jon as a way to keep the spirit of Culligan Manor alive while being spread out around the country. And indeed, it truly feels as though it is 2005 again, and we are watching college basketball on one tv and "To Catch a Predator" on the other, making fun of each other at every turn, and swimming amidst a pile of beer cans and Mountain Dew 20-ouncers half-full with chew spit.
We essentially spend our time on The Boards ripping on each other, asking random questions, ripping on each other, telling stories, ripping on each other's sports teams, playing trivia, and ripping on each other. But there rules, and a system of checks and balances that rivals the U.S. Government, making it so that no one person is unfairly treated. Violations of said rules result in quick and severe punishment (maybe not severe....mostly you just have to say three nice things about someone if it is determined that you crossed a line while making fun of them. In actuality, it's Dr. Randklev's "dipping in the bucket" self-esteem methodology from Ben Franklin elementary school. But it sounds better when we do it. Seriously.)
Anyways, I love The Boards because boring days are quickly brightened up by stories such as this one, from Horp, who teaches middle schoolers in Phoenix:
Yo Yo Yo
Sorry, I was on a field trip yesterday. And speaking of that... you should have seen me at air hockey...I was in buzzsaw form. So I'm playing this really cocky kid that thought he was pretty good. We decide to bet two tokens on the game, and while we are doing that, about 30 kids are already watching, and they are side-betting their tokens or tickets... half for me, half for the kid. I get down 6-2 quick and we only go to 7, I was a little nervous, but very confident. I told the kid that I was going to come back and win, and he didn't think so, so we bet another four tokens (and the kids around us did the same). I come back with some of my best play ever, and when I score the final goal, I throw my paddle in the air and walk around the place with my hands in the air yelling 'who's your daddy.' The place went nuts. And I had a stomach ache from eating too much pizza.
Yep, beating a middle-schooler in air hockey and reacting like you just won the ALCS. That's why I should've been a teacher.
One of my favorite things about The Boards is the Question of the Day, and I think I may start doing something similar here on The Slice, except like once a week or something. The Q's are usually hypothetical, usually ridiculously stupid, but also thought-provoking. I'll be digging into some of the questions we've already used, some others rattling around in my head, and I'll take suggestions (if they're good) if you email them to me at jimhammen@hotmail.com. First Q of the Week:
MTV calls you up and offers you a spot on the next season of The Real World, and offers to pay you one million dollars. However, for the entire season, you must be drunk, obnoxious, racist, sexist, sleeping around (on camera) and basically being the worst person you can be. The kicker is at the end of the season, your entire family, all your friends, co-workers, everyone you know has to watch the entire season. Do you do it?
We essentially spend our time on The Boards ripping on each other, asking random questions, ripping on each other, telling stories, ripping on each other's sports teams, playing trivia, and ripping on each other. But there rules, and a system of checks and balances that rivals the U.S. Government, making it so that no one person is unfairly treated. Violations of said rules result in quick and severe punishment (maybe not severe....mostly you just have to say three nice things about someone if it is determined that you crossed a line while making fun of them. In actuality, it's Dr. Randklev's "dipping in the bucket" self-esteem methodology from Ben Franklin elementary school. But it sounds better when we do it. Seriously.)
Anyways, I love The Boards because boring days are quickly brightened up by stories such as this one, from Horp, who teaches middle schoolers in Phoenix:
Yo Yo Yo
Sorry, I was on a field trip yesterday. And speaking of that... you should have seen me at air hockey...I was in buzzsaw form. So I'm playing this really cocky kid that thought he was pretty good. We decide to bet two tokens on the game, and while we are doing that, about 30 kids are already watching, and they are side-betting their tokens or tickets... half for me, half for the kid. I get down 6-2 quick and we only go to 7, I was a little nervous, but very confident. I told the kid that I was going to come back and win, and he didn't think so, so we bet another four tokens (and the kids around us did the same). I come back with some of my best play ever, and when I score the final goal, I throw my paddle in the air and walk around the place with my hands in the air yelling 'who's your daddy.' The place went nuts. And I had a stomach ache from eating too much pizza.
Yep, beating a middle-schooler in air hockey and reacting like you just won the ALCS. That's why I should've been a teacher.
One of my favorite things about The Boards is the Question of the Day, and I think I may start doing something similar here on The Slice, except like once a week or something. The Q's are usually hypothetical, usually ridiculously stupid, but also thought-provoking. I'll be digging into some of the questions we've already used, some others rattling around in my head, and I'll take suggestions (if they're good) if you email them to me at jimhammen@hotmail.com. First Q of the Week:
MTV calls you up and offers you a spot on the next season of The Real World, and offers to pay you one million dollars. However, for the entire season, you must be drunk, obnoxious, racist, sexist, sleeping around (on camera) and basically being the worst person you can be. The kicker is at the end of the season, your entire family, all your friends, co-workers, everyone you know has to watch the entire season. Do you do it?
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