The Top 5. Volume 1.

The Top 5...

Coolest TV characters of all time, omitting cartoons. Feel free to argue.

5. Corey Matthews, Boy Meets World. He hung out with the coolest kid in school, dated the hottest girl, had the hook-up with the principal, and still managed to keep a solid head on his shoulders. He played the part of "average guy correctly predicts weird girl will get hot after puberty, sneaks into the game early, then hangs on for dear life" to perfection. We'll call it the Corey Matthews Corollary.

4. Seth Cohen, The O.C. Dorky, but hilarious. His one-liners are ridiculous, and he gets bonus points for securing the girl of his dreams, (in real life as well as the show) when she is clearly out of his league.

3. Zack Morris, Saved By The Bell. Not much explanation needed here. Basically, if you are between the ages of 18-28, he has to be on your list. Had a scheme for everything. Bonus points for nailing every hot girl he ever encountered, then still getting to settle down with Kelly Kapowski when it was all said and done. Negative points for acting like a huge vagina when Kelly cheated on him with that douchebag Jeff.

2. Brandon Walsh, Beverly Hills, 90210. He's like Zack Morris with a conscience. While Zack gets girls by being a scam artist and charmer, Brandon gets them by being a stand-up, honest, all-american guy. Beverly Hills girls aren't used to that type of shit. Negative points for not nailing Kelly Kapowski (Valerie Malone in 90210) when she was throwing herself at him. Bonus points for making ridiculous sideburns cool, making it OK for white guys to call other white guys by the first initial of their names, and for never fooling around with Donna Martin (Tori Spelling.) Zack probably would've, just for the story. In fact, maybe that's bonus points for Zack.

1. Ed Stevens, Ed. He combined the good-guy tactics of Brandon with the "never say die, do whatever you have to do to get this girl" mentality of Zack. I have never been so emotionally invested in a character's battle to obtain a girl before. Although I would put forth that kind of effort for the girl from Happy Gilmore, too. Leads the league in sappy, romantic, damn-that-was-money schemes. I've been stealing his money lines and using them on girls for years now. Plus, while Carol was playing him hot-and-cold for the better part of four seasons, he ran through some real good-looking broads. Major bonus points for the 2002 NBA All-Star Weekend, when, in the celeb/former NBA player/WNBA player three-on-three game, he and Justin Timberlake had to be removed from the game after JT swung on him, because Ed was playing some fuckin' fierce deny defense and not letting him touch the ball. Ed is the wind beneath my wings.

Ladies Love Cool James

Random thoughts from the last few days:

Trying to cut back on the nights that end at 6 am. In case you're wondering: no, I'm not wearing shorts in January, Cory Solem style, but I had one pant leg rolled up. I think this picture was taken following a heated discussion regarding LL Cool J. Notice also the uncomfortable lack of space between Steve's elbow and my balls. Thank you Annie for the ridiculous picture.

With 3 minutes left in the first half in the Kansas/Nebraska game last night, Nebraska had six points. SIX. Two three pointers in the first couple minutes, then they didn't score for like 15 minutes. I don't think I've ever seen that before, and given the way Brad Nessler and Fran Frischilla were hemming and hawing and sometimes just laughing, I don't think they had either.

I have been thinking about it, and I came to the conclusion that last Wednesday and Thursday were the worst back-to-back days of my competitive sports career. On Wednesday, we played the feared Drummond's Diesel team, or as I like to call them, the "Phoenix Suns" with Travis Lindgren as Steve Nash, Joe Ford as Shawn Marion, and Jon-Jon as Paul Shirley, if he still played for them. While bullshitting with Wesley (probably the Raja Bell) before the game I decided to give him some bulletin board material. Feeling good about our two-game win streak, I told him that their undefeated season was ending tonight. He just laughed, and informed me of their new team motto: "We're gettin' 110. You comin' with us?" We won't get into details of the game, just the final score. 115-72. No, Wesley, apparently we're not coming with you. It was the worst loss of my life, unless you count the 6th grade YBL game where me, Bergman, and a bunch of kids wearing jeans lost by 60 to every other basketball player in the school.

Then, at the Townhouse on Thursday, I got killed by The Woman at miniature golf. Just killed. Down by 5 strokes already on the 15th hole, I ganked a one-footer, then threw a fit and crushed my ball into the fake plants by room 107. I thought very hard about smashing one of the fake lampposts with the putter, then instead took the ol' WD. Withdraw for the layperson. There is a 70% chance we're not playing putt-putt again.

Didn't even have a chance to get excited about Todd Helton before trade talks were "ended." I'll go out on a limb and say that at some point trade talks between the Sox and Rox (which is impossible to say without sounding amazingly gay) will be "re-opened."

Schilling back for 2008. If he wants, he can pitch until 2028. He has earned that right.

Happy Tuesday.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

While going through all the crap on my old laptop, I found this little beauty, which I used for my freshman year speech class. I had a pretty sweet teacher, she was like 23 and kinda hot, and she gave me A's for topics such as how Tupac faked his death, and how awesome the '92 Dream Team was. Swearing was even allowed, as long as it wasn't graphic. Anyways, for those of you involved in this tourney, you will love this shit. For those who weren't involved, you probably wish you had been.

Top 10 Moments of the Devils Lake Tournament, 1999-2002:

10. (2000) A life-size cut-out of Michael Jordan guest-coaches the Grand Forks Dynasty, and even participates in some pre-game layup drills en route to their second straight title. Other team, officials, and spectators = unimpressed.

9. (2002) The Native American refs and scoreboard operators who did everything in their power to keep the Dynasty from winning a third place game (which we didn't give a shit about anyway), including shaving time, switching the home team and away team points at random, and calling technical fouls for phantom dunks. The Dynasty won anyway and then received a lifetime ban from Fort Totten, barely escaping town with their scalps intact.

8. (1999) After missing a breakaway three-pointer (yep, breakaway) in the closing minutes of the Dynasty's runaway championship game victory, the trash-talking Indian Mom section gives Dunph an earful. Dunphy responds by shouting "Fuck off and go back to the Rez!!!"

7. (2001) Mike Howard's mind-boggling, have-to-see-it-to-believe-it 26 points in the first 6 minutes of the second half to kickstart the hungover Dynasty and advance them to their third consecutive championship game.

6. (1999) As both teams go to a Box-and-1 defense, Nate Noland wages a one-on-one battle with the goofy looking but surprisingly good kid from Belcourt in the double overtime, ESPN instant classic semifinal that the Dynasty narrowly survived.

5. (1999) After an embarrassing loss to the Dynasty, Raccoon Head (along with his sister or girlfriend, or maybe both) struts into the Dynasty's locker room and vows "You just kicked our asses on the basketball court, and now I'm gonna kick your asses right here." After he gets laughed out of the locker room, he proceeds to chase Lane, Noles, and Dunph out of town in his totally rad pickup truck.

4. (2000) After building a 20-point halftime lead, the Dynasty watches as player after player of the Devils Lake varsity team strolls into the gym and checks into the game, as apparently they were all on the roster. The Dynasty barely holds off the fresh legs of the new team, while a bench-clearing brawl (featuring the help of the Grand Forks Mot team) nearly takes place after the game.

3. (2002) Dan Sondreal's Bobby Knight-esque chair throw in the final seconds of the semifinal game, the Dynasty's first ever loss.

2. (1999) After screwing around and accumulating a 20 point deficit to one of the worst organized baskeball teams ever assembled, Nate gives an inspiring halftime speech (with a few unprintable words.) The Dynasty, in their first ever game together, responds by outscoring the other team by 65 in the second half. That is not a typo.

1. (2000) In the much-ballyhooed championship game against the archrival Grand Forks Mot team, the Dynasty overcomes a 17 point second half margin to take home their second straight title. Future Dynasty member Ben Schneweis storms off the court in the closing seconds, throws his second place trophy out the car window, and would have to write a heartfelt essay to join the Dynasty two years later.

Some closing thoughts, 4 years later: 1). It may not sound like it, but gunning passes at a cardboard Michael Jordan, watching him tip over, and then yelling things like "c'mon, MJ, head in the game!!!" during lay-ups is a lot of fun. I just wish our attempt to check him into the game towards the end was successful. 2). Why the hell were there games in Fort Totten anyway? 3). If I could redo the list, Howard's performance would be higher. That was seriously ridiculous. 4). We did more damage to the reputation of Grand Forks's youth than any other group of high school kids could hope to do. Between our shit-talking on the court, shit-talking from the bench, and shit-talking in between games, we made the 1996 Dream Team look like boy scouts. 5). And I wouldn't change a thing about it.