Controversy and sequins collide tonight, folks. The premiere of Dancing with the Stars.
And by controversy, I mean Nancy Grace’s décolletage. WOW, y’all.
New stage and an awkward new intro. Our celebs have to stumble down a flight of stairs in tight shoes, even tighter dresses and pants. Awkward. Whose idea was that?
OK, here we go. A dozen dances, and one couple heads home Tuesday.
Ron Artest & Peta Murgatroyd: Cha-cha-cha. It takes him about 10 seconds to hit full-on annoying. What’s with channeling Dennis Rodman? What’s with the tongue? What’s with the bowtie? He’s way too bad to be this cocky. Not liking this at all. I foresee a quick exit. And what’s with the belly? If you have one, it should be covered up. Always. 14 out of 30 points.
Rob Kardashian & Cheryl Burke: Viennese waltz. So what is his claim to fame, exactly? His sisters? Oh, “talent managing.” Who’s talent? Certainly not his own. The dance is frenetic and clumsy and just wrong. No flow or rhythm. He just seems to be pushing and pulling Cheryl all over the floor. And what’s with her Elvis outfit? Another early weed-out. The only thing worse is sister Kourtney Kim Khloe yelling across the dance floor. 16.
Kristen Cavallari & Mark Ballas: Cha-cha-cha. She wants us to know that SHE IS NOT A BITCH. OK GOT IT. NOW DANCE. This is the best so far, which is not saying a lot. At all. I think she’ll do about as well as her Hills cohort Audrina Patridge. A few weeks more, but the ride will end soon. 19.
OH MY WORD I FORGOT HOW TRULYTRULY TERRIBLE THE BAND IS ON THIS SHOW. (Oh my word.)
Chynna Phillips & Tony Dovolani: Viennese waltz. It would have been awesome if their first dance was to Hold On. But alas, we get a really bad version of Alicia Keys. The dance isn’t bad. Sweet, safe and a little boring. And a slight flub when he pulls her through his legs. But she’ll likely stick around for awhile. Not bad. 22.
Carrie Ann Inaba is getting dangerously close to crazy Paula Abdul judge territory.
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