2012 All-Ugly Team

Bench:

Tyler Zeller, North Carolina. Both Carolina and the Ugly Team loses Zeller's ears to graduation this year.

Mike Bruesewitz, Wisconsin. He shaved his Carrot Top 'fro, which kept him out of the starting lineup this year.

Brandon Triche, Syracuse. To quote Dr. Dre, circa 1992: "Gap teef in yo' mouf, so my dick's gotsta fit!"

Matthew Dellavedova, St. Mary's. Looks like he should be playing someone's bratty little brother in an 80's teen comedy. The little brother who is constantly trying to peek in his sister's bedroom when she has a slumber party or something like that.

David Stockton, Gonzaga. Classic case of a dude growing shitty facial hair in an attempt to differentiate themselves from a famous father/sibling/son. His 'stache is almost like the hidden object in a Magic Eye picture...you have to concetrate and squint really really hard to see it.

Teeng Akol, Western Kentucky. With a forehead like that, he had a receding hairline by age 6.

Brady Heslip, Baylor. Let's not get it twisted: if he played for KU, he'd definitely be one of my top 5 favorite Jayhawks of all-time. Let's see: he's got shitty, greasy-looking hair that he constantly has to brush out of his eyes; he's an unathletic white guy who used to be 30 pounds heavier and still somehow got recruited to a D-I school; he does almost literally nothing besides shoot open 3's; and he loves to throw up the Three Goggles after makes. The more I think about it, he'd probably be my favorite Jayhawk ever. Still time to transfer, dude....

Starting Five:

Ryan Kelly, Duke. If I ever saw him on the street, the only thing I could ever think to say to him would be "Nuhhhhhhhhhhhh."



J'Covan Brown, Texas. Left early for the NBA, presumably because the feedbag at his locker ran out of oats, and Coach Barnes wouldn't refill it. (Get it? Cause he looks like a horse? I know, that one sucked. Whaddya want from me? It's Saturday morning, I'm hungover as balls.)


Deniz Kilicli, West Virginia. Still ugly as hell, but he's definitely been beefing up since he got to school; he could put me in the hospital with both arms tied behind his back. Let's hope that cavemen don't know how to use Google yet.


Hugh Greenwood, New Mexico. Remember Hermie the Elf from the Rudolph movie? The one who didn't want to be an elf, he wanted to be live at the Island of Misfit Toys and be a dentist or whatever? Turns out he did neither-- he grew up and played basketball at the University of New Mexico.



Anthony Davis, Kentucky. For the first time in All-Ugly Team history, the Captain is also the best player in the country. It's tough to make a original unibrow joke about Davis, since the whole country has been making them for seven months now, but I'll try: it looks like Gordon from Sesame Street had a kid with one of the puppets.