Grand Forks Wedding Weekend Checklist

- Upon arriving in town and looking at the new buildings, restaurants, etc., made the Tommy Boy "Hey, the muffler plant is gone too!" joke for the 437th time? Check. (I've been out of GF for almost four years now, and doing this bit is still not getting old for me. I'll be sure to let you know if/when it does.)

- Ate my mom's fried chicken, the finest meal in the tri-state area? Check.

- Was probably the drunkest guy in said tri-state area on Friday night? Check.

- Puked in my parents' basement toilet? Check.

- Stayed up wayyyyy too late with the Zidon sisters, once again? Check. That could probably be re-worded to not sound inappropriate. (Editor's note: We'll leave it as is.)

- Ate Red Pepper sober? Check.

- Ate Red Pepper borderline blacked out? Check.

- Ran into a girl at the wedding I literally hadn't talked to since 1998, went to the bar next door to do a shot with her, ended up balls deep in a conversation, and of course missed both the Apache dance AND the mid-wedding-dance Red Pepper snack? Check. (Side note: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK ME.)

- Played an awful, hungover round of golf at Ray Richard's? Check.

- Had a spur-of-the-moment, homoerotic (yet strangely natural) photo shoot with Paul, under the guise that we needed to spice up the gift-opening session by giving Katie and Alfonso some completely over the top pictures of ourselves? Check.

- Shamelessly hit on an older sister bridesmaid the entire weekend? Check. My favorite line I used on her: "It's a shame that the bride isn't even the most beautiful Zidon at the head table tonight...she has to take 2nd place behind you." Her response: "Are you kidding with me with that one?!?! You are standing in shit up to your KNEES right now!!!" But I'll be damned if we weren't posing for a prom-style picture for the wedding photographer within the next ten minutes. (Don't worry, my girlfriend and (I think) her husband were aware of the situation.)

- Non-checklist-style, but another great response: while watching Alfonso play guitar on Friday night, I asked Katie if they had made their top 5 "If you get the opportunity to sleep with these people, it's not cheating" lists yet....and if I happened to be on Alfonso's list. Her reply: "Who says you're not on both our lists?" Bingo. Bango. Bongo. My new goal is to sleep with both members of a marriage. How many people can claim that? My mom always taught me, it's important to have goals in life.

- Made around 50 Macho Man Randy Savage having a heart attack, crashing his car, and dying jokes? Check. "Ohhh Brotha Brotha Brotha Brotha Brotha!!! My heart feels like it's snapping into a Slim Jim right now!!! Somebody tell Miss Elizabeth I'll love her forever oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!" Maybe you had to be there. Seriously, though- RIP, Savage.

- Properly celebrated the marriage of one of my all-time favorite couples? Check. Congrats you two, you're awesome. (While we're here, other favorite couples: Zack Morris & Kelly Kapowski; Amy Poehler & Will Arnett; Macho Man & Miss Elizabeth; Mila Kunis & Macaulay Culkin; Russell & the rando he banged by the fountains at Caesar's Palace; the lesbians in Tatu.)


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Side note: all I wanted to do last night was kick back, relax, watch some sports, recover from the weekend, and take my mind off my end-of-vacation-weekend-and-I-won't-see-a-lot-of-these-friends-until-Christmas blues....and then the Sox blew an 8th inning lead and lost (I REFUSE to believe the Indians are this good...there's just no way) and OKC blew a 15-point lead with 5 fucking minutes left and lost....and I ended up pissed off and sweating a little bit and awake until 2 am. Awesome. THANKS Sports Gods.