In The Middle

Middle Brother Schneweis recently became a father (as well as our boy Noles/Fatcat, congrats dude! Kids are getting spit out like Cat Stevens around our friend group lately) and made a somewhat controversial decision, one that has inspired plenty of bar-talk and theoretical discussion the last few weeks: he's letting his daughter pick her own middle name on her 16th birthday.

I think it's a cool move, but also a dangerous one. We have some family friends who, years ago, let their four and six-year-old daughters name their third daughter upon her birth. In the middle of a (predictable) Aladdin phase, they (predictably) picked Jasmine. Granted, when you're letting two kids with a combined age that wouldn't even get them a job at the Ben Franklin Elementary School Renaissance Fair name your kid, you could do a lot worse....but still, if I'm that third child, that probably causes a fight or two among siblings along the way to adulthood. Wait, YOU chose this name for me?!? You ASSHOLES! I've been getting beat up on the playground every other day for two years for being named after a fucking Disney character, and now I find out it's YOUR fault?!?!? While this isn't the same situation here, my point is that it's dangerous to put these decisions into the hands of people who haven't spent, at the very least, seven adult months debating the issue.

When you're 16, you're just old enough that you're going to feel strongly about certain people who have a questionably tangible impact on your life (athletes, musicians, celebs, etc.) but you're just young and immature enough to believe that you should take the opportunity to honor them by adopting their name for your middle name. You're also just old enough to realize the inherent comedy there would be if you gave yourself an ironically funny name....and just young enough to not fully consider the long-term ramifications of that choice.

For example, I'm about 90% sure that if you would've let me pick my middle name on my 16th birthday, it would've been Tupac. I probably would've even spelled it 2Pac; I was that big of a douche when I was 16. Note: I don't mean to imply I'm not that big of a douche now, I'm just sayin', I was then too.

{FYI: that 90% isn't just some blind estimate. The other 10% depends upon whether or not all humans picked their own middle name or not. If that was the case, I could see Brother, Paul, Bergman and I doing some sort of Beverly Hills, 90210 fantasy draft for our middle names. Like if I got the #1 pick, I'd definitely take Brandon Walsh, so my full name would be Jum Brandon Walsh Hammonds. The last pick would get stuck with Steve Sanders, depending on how you feel about David Silver. You get the idea. Otherwise, 2Pac.}

So. Question of the day: if you got to pick your middle name on your 16th birthday, what would it be?

(Also, you can read about Middle Brother Schneweis' new father adventures here. He actually gets paid to blog-- ipso facto, his blog is much funnier.)