Me and the Jumbotron Guy. In the past, I've had some beef with the dude at the Royals games who does the "in-between innings, I'm gonna keep the people who don't care about baseball entertained by being a dick" shenanigans. Last year, he came to our section, encouraged us to all get rowdy when the cameras turned on our section; then when we did, he yelled in front of everyone "Sit down, Manny!" since I was wearing a
Manny Being Manny shirt. I'm good at holding grudges (ask Johnny Damon or Roy Williams) and as such, I've never forgiven him. Throwing me right under the bus like that just for a couple laughs. He can kiss my black ass if he thinks I'm gonna play that shit. It's kind of his thing: he drags people out of their seats to do the little promo, then finishes by ripping on them in front of 25,000 people (35,000 if the Twins, Sox, or Yankees are in town.) Invariably, the innocent fan ends up looking at him like "Hey, I'm doing
you a favor here. Why am I the butt of your stupid ass jokes now?" while I sit in my seat muttering my displeasure about him in between huge bites of chili cheese fries.**
And now this guy, my new archnemesis (I've taken to calling him Doucheface Doug or Doug E. Douche or Doucheasaurus Rex, etc. etc.) has started trying to bring back the "Wasssssssssup?!?!?!" commercials during his promos. Number One, Bergman and I already have been bringing that back for over a year now (read: trying to bring it back and failing horribly) and Number Two, he totally says it wrong and ruins it, which is indirectly going to keep our movement to bring it back from getting off the ground.
Not really related, but all the Doug names got me thinking about Doug E. Doug. Remember how cool he was back in the day? Remember Cool Runnings? How jacked up did you get when the Jamaican bobsled team hoisted their sled up and carried it across the finish line? Doug E. Doug is probably my favorite Doug of all time. A close second is Doug Funnie, but he's only that high because my boy Brady Morningstar looks like him. I could barely even name five Dougs though....Doug Gilmour? Doug E. Fresh? I don't have any more off the top of my head. Boom. Tangented.Back to the lecture at hand. My dislike for Douchebox Douglas. This past weekend we went to a Royals/Twins game (b.t. dubs, the Royals lost it and they're now 0-14 when I'm attendance) and after the top of the 5th, Douchappottomas dropped the other shoe on me. They played a pre-recorded sketch where he would walk up to different Royals players, give them a high-five, and both would slowly turn and face the camera with a serious face. And I couldn't get enough of it. I was giggling more and more with each new high five, and by the end of the promo, entitled "High Five Somebody!" I already knew this was getting incorporated into my everyday life. Shaun and I already started doing it at softball the other night, executing it perfectly in the on-deck circle after he rounded the bases on an inside-the-park home run. Just fantastic. So as a result, I'm willing to call a temporary truce on my war with JumboDouche Doug.
One other note about the Royals that I noticed last weekend: Miguel Olivo, Alberto Callaspo, and Yuniesky Betancourt all have the exact same clip of the exact same song for their walk-up music. I don't recognize the song; it's just some little salsa ditty with no discernable words. I think the Royals just got lazy and assigned them all the same random Dominican song. Like when you're creating a player in a video game, and for his walk-up music you just click on Generic_Latin_Beat_1 or something. Considering that none of the aforementioned players are white, the whole thing just feels racist to me. Real talk.
**Anyone who has gone to a Royals game with me (or let's be honest, has spent more than 3 minutes in a room with me) knows how much I love the chili cheese fries at Kaufmann Stadium. $6.50 for a giant tray of them, and in baseball stadium prices, that's stupid cheap. Like blowjob from a homeless crackhead cheap. Prior to a couple of days ago, I was pretty sure that nobody loved those chili cheese fries more than me. Then I was bullshitting with some guy at the golf course, and somehow the conversation turned to Kaufmann and the chili cheese fries, and this guy (easily 40 years old, wearing a suit, and otherwise functioning normally)
produced a picture of the fries as his backdrop on his cell phone. Every once in a while, as I get older and continue to not grow up, I wonder if I'm gonna be one of the weirdest middle-aged men on the planet (non-sex offender division) and then something like this happens and I'm reassured. I'll be aight.
Liam Gallagher y Yoko Ono
