Iowa? Yeah....I Owe, Uhh.....Zack 10 Bucks, Can You Lend It To Me?

That was some quick thinking by A.C. Slater there. If his dad would've heard about the wrestling scholarship from Iowa, he would've been PISSED.

So, as previously mentioned, I have been laying low and not going out for the last six weeks*** in an effort to save both money and my health. Needless to say, it's been pretty uneventful.

Friday nights have been spent googling pictures of the chick who plays Hermoine in the Harry Potter movies while sucking whipped cream right from the canister. Saturday nights have been a little more special: I cover my body in glowsticks and make Alex flick the bedroom lights on and off really fast, while I listen to 'Sandstorm' by Darude on repeat and dance for hours on end.

So it's time for a little change of pace.

You know how every once in a while you hear something or see something, and it just cuts right to the core of you and pushes your buttons, so that you know, eventually, that you have to have it, and it's not even really up to you? Like for me, when I see a preview for a comedy starring any combination of Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, or Jason Segel, it's like "Well, I better clear my calendar for July 16, cause I'm going to a movie" or when I hear a troop of girl scouts come into my building selling cookies it's like "Well shit, looks like I'm spending $78 on caramel deelites today."

Well, that's how I felt the first time I drove north on I-35 between KC and Minneapolis a couple months ago. I'm just cruising along in the Bumblefuck region of southern Iowa, when all of a sudden, along the horizon, the nighttime sky was completely lit up. I knew that Des Moines was still 60 miles away, so my curiousity was piqued. By the time I came to the top of the hill, I was practically chewing through my steering wheel, I was so excited/nervous. Also I had slopped some secret sauce from a KFC Snacker on the wheel, so that may have factored in, as well. In any event, what I saw didn't disappoint me: a huge, huuuuuge monstrosity of a neon cowboy/matador advertising Terrible's Casino. And right at that exact moment, I thought "Well, looks like I'm making a trip here someday."

I have driven past the neon matador a couple of times since my initial sighting, and each time, I kinda gaze at it in a creepy manner and nod at it silently, as if to say "I'm going to have you soon. Oh yes, you will be mine." Very similar to my facial expression when I drive by crowded elementary school playgrounds in my conversion van with FREE BIKES spray-painted on the side.

Finally I couldn't take it anymore, and long story short- we have a room reserved for tomorrow night. Alex, Ashley, Stephanie, Ryan and I are driving up, and Bergman is driving down from Minneapolis, and we're gonna have a good old-fashioned night of drinking, gambling, and taking jokes from Godfread's book How to Make People Laugh, page 1, paragraph 1- things like "It's not Terrible when you stay at Terrible's, ahahahahahahah LOLZ!!!!"

And by the end of the night, I hope to be shitfaced and broke, walking around aimlessly and muttering to no one in particular about how I need that 10 bucks a lot more than that spoiled-ass mother fucker Zack Morris.

*** With one exception: one night we went out drinking in Kansas City since it was Ringer's birthday, and between the long lines for poorly-mixed drinks; the overwhelming abundance of doucheboxes confined in a small area; and Alex drinking like Lindsay Lohan on her 21st birthday, it was an absolute nightmare.

You can go ahead and file "going to the Power & Light District in downtown KC" under Things I Will Never Ever Do Again, along with "asking a woman with a bulge in her stomach how many months pregnant she is" and "agreeing to open-mouth kiss a toothless lady outside the Salvation Army in exchange for free Taco Bell for life, even though I had no way of knowing that she didn't actually work there anymore, I mean she was wearing the uniform and everything, and is it my fault that I happened to be craving a Crunchwrap Supreme REALLY bad right at that moment?"