As the bar we were at (Williams in Uptown) was closing down and we were on our way out the door, I had the seemingly brilliant idea of constructing myself a to-go box of popcorn. The bouncer, however, did not share my unbridled enthusiasm for this idea, and promptly confiscated my delicious treat. I was not happy with this unexpected change of plans, and told the bouncer as much. (I am an absolute popcorn fiend when I'm boozing...or watching a movie...or going to church, pumping gas, or exercising. There's really no inappropriate time for me to be eating popcorn. It's my weakness. Add to this the fact that we ate a late lunch and inadvertently skipped dinner, and I was JONESING for some popcorn. That bouncer might as well have been trying to take a cheap bottle of vodka from a homeless guy.)
I wasn't making a scene or anything, but I was expressing my displeasure, as well as my confusion as to why he felt the need to take my snack from me. They had to-go boxes sitting right there on top of the popcorn machine, presumably to be used for exactly this situation. Now I wasn't about to get in a fight or anything (I mean, the bouncer would've kicked my ass, but I don't consider that 'getting in a fight' per se) but I was starting to mouth off a bit, and the bouncer's patience was understandably wearing thin. When I said something to the effect of "Ricky Williams called, he wants his dreadlocks from 2002 back" that was when Ike grabbed me and steered me out the door, since taking me to the car is much more convenient than taking me to the hospital.
Dude. Can I have my popcorn back or what.
Not 30 seconds after we made it to the parking lot, Ike surveyed the scene at hand, and posed the innocently honest question of "Why are the only girls that stay all the way until closing time the ugly ones?"
That is to say, it would've been an innocent question, if a group of girls standing 10 feet away hadn't heard him. They aren't happy, they go tell their boyfriends that they aren't happy, one thing leads to another, and soon I'm grabbing Ike and literally dragging him to the opposite side of the parking lot to defuse the quickly escalating situation and to wait for his ride.
It wasn't until the next day, when Bergman pointed it out, that we realized the ridiculousness of each of us having to pull the other one away from people who were probably going to kick our ass. Within 2 minutes of each other.
It's a hard-knock life for us guys who happen to possess the unfortunate combination of a big mouth and little-to-no upper body strength.
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