That's What I Love About These High School Girls, Man. I Get Older And They Stay The Same Age...

Gotta love the Olympics. Nothing like watching men's swimming at the bar and listening to girls on our co-ed softball team talk about how tasty Michael Phelps looks in his Merman suit (no homo), or sitting on the couch watching women's gymnastics, trading texties that say things like "look at my girl Nastia. Grrrr" or "I'd give Shawn Johnson a floor exercise."

I guess I've always had a soft spot in my heart for gymnasts. I watched Stick It and developed a huge crush on the main character. I'm currently dating a retired gymnast....although the only gymnastics she does now is an occasional handstand while she's walking from the living room to the kitchen, and I sprint at her and either a) pretend like I'm gonna punch her in the stomach so she has to quit, or b) pick her up and powerbomb her onto the couch so she has to quit. Fun for everybody involved, to be honest. Or at least fun for me.

It was one thing when the Bergman brothers and I were 13 years old, watching the '96 Olympics and ogling the Magnificent Seven for the U.S. team (Dominique Moceanu was our goddess back then.) They were slightly older than us, and we were at the age where just the sight of a bra strap would send us into a frenzy. It was all good. But now I can't watch women's gymnastics without feeling creepy, and subsequently overcompensating by sending creepy texties to friends (see above.)

Remember those old Frosted mini-wheats commercials, where they would be like, "The adult in me loves the rich whole wheat taste......but the kid in me loves the frosting!" That's what I feel like when I watch the Olympics nowadays:

"The sports fan in me loves watching the U.S. vs. Greece in men's basketball qualifying....but the pedophile in me loves watching 16-year-old-girls run around in one-sies!"

Speaking of the movie Stick It, I was horrified at the end of the movie when our girl Dominique makes a two-second cameo. She wasn't exactly what you would call attractive anymore. I reported this to Bergman, who now refuses to watch the movie so he can preserve the images he has in his mind (not that he was necessarily reserving it at Blockbuster, either. I mean, it is a movie about gymnastics.) Annnnyway, that was the last time I had laid eyes on Dominique, so out of curiosity I ran her through the ol' google search, and found this picture. Avert your eyes, Bergman.

I'm assuming she's pregnant, because really the only other possibility is she ate Kerri Strug. When will the fad of posing for pictures naked and pregnant be over with? I know I've had my fill. Stupid Demi Moore.