Bill Smith, GM of the Minnesota Twins, recently issued this press release:
On behalf of the entire Minnesota Twins organization, I am very excited to announce that after watching Mr. Godfread throw out the first pitch on Monday night, we have come to terms on a contract that will have him in a Twins' uniform starting next week.
I have little doubt that some of you in the media may have questions regarding the reasoning behind this move. We feel confident that adding a nice power arm to our rotation can do nothing but add to the value of this ballclub as we head into the stretch run of the season.
We are aware that Godfread is short on major league experience; in fact, Monday night was the first time he had set foot on a baseball field of any sort since 1997. But come on, did you see that throw he made? Given the choice between experience and God-given talent, well, I'm taking talent every time, folks.
I mean, have you guys seen Rookie of the Year? That little Henry Rowengartner could really throw, couldn't he? And he was only, like, 12 years old! How's that for inexperienced? He came in and dominated right away, and the Cubs went on to win the World Series that year! I'm pretty sure that movie is based on a true story, I'll have to double-check that though. Ohhhh man, remember when Henry was chanting "Pitcher's got a big butt!" That was soooo funny, I was totally LOLing at that part. But I digress.
In fact, you don't even have to go all the way to Chicago to find instances of success by ridiculously unqualified people within the sport of baseball. You guys heard of Little Big League? That kid managed your very own Minnesota Twins, and if Ken Griffey Jr. hadn't made an unbelievable catch in the last game of the year, we would've made the playoffs! I mean, WTF?!?! That spoiled little punk-ass retired after the year and never came back to coach again, but that's neither here nor there.
Another thing Godfread brings our ballclub is an imposing figure on the mound. Not since the days of Rick Aguilera and his painted-on beard have we had a pitcher whose mere presence commands your respect. We anticipate that opposing hitters will be dreading the mere thought of stepping into the batter's box against this force of nature. We thought we were going to have that for years to come with Carlos Silva, but then we realized he was just fat. Next time he pitches at the Metrodome, we should totally hire Henry Rowengartner to come make fun of him. I better write that one down so I remember it, LOLZ.
Now I already know your next question: instead of bringing in this untested 26-year-old, whose only idea of a nasty slider is an undercooked burger from Whitecastle, why didn't you make a trade for a pitcher at the trade deadline? And I think you all the know the answer to that: trade deadline deals are for suckers. When was the last time a team made a mid-season trade that actually helped them? No, no, we much prefer to just sit on our hands and do nothing. Then when we narrowly miss the playoffs, or get swept in the first round, we can at least take solace in the fact that we didn't risk giving up our 4th best prospect at the Double A level to acquire a solid lefty for our bullpen.
It's good to have goals, folks. Our goal has always been to have the greatest collection of young talent in the league. And we feel that we have accomplished this time and time again. Now, whether or not these players succeed at the major league level is really beyond our concern. We enjoy teasing you homer-hanky-waving fanatics with the promise of being good at some yet-to-be-determined point in the future.
I hope everybody is getting excited for what is sure to be an exciting, and ultimately heartbreaking, pennant race. You can rest assured that every member of this proud organization will be pouring every last drop of sweat, blood, and tears into this thing, only to come up a game or two short in the end. But what will really matter is we didn't spend too much money doing it.
In closing, I'd like to welcome Mr. Godfread aboard, and remind everyone of a little passage I heard recently: Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
OH! I have to go call Henry Rowengartner too. Glad I wrote that down. ;)
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