Save The Woodlands

Last Saturday a bunch of us went to The Woodlands race track in KC and got special sauced while we watched the greyhounds. I went in with pretty high expectations of winning money, after I cleaned up at the Kentucky Derby earlier this year. Unfortunately, my foolproof strategy of picking dogs with cool names, skimming over their actual statistics, and basically ignoring their odds didn't work out as well this time....shocking. I finished up a little bit of money on the night, which is nothing to complain about, but after my rollicking success at the Derby, I was a little bit disappointed.

I put a ton of money on a dog that was named Pat Nicola, because I felt bad for not being able to make it to Nico's wedding earlier this summer (alcohol played a large role in picking that dog, and also in my subsequent phone call to Noles letting him know of my decision.) He did well, but when I emptied my wallet to back a greyhound named Jiminy Jackson (because how could a dog that sounded like a two-time All-American not be awesome?) 'ol Jiminy took last place. In any event, if you put me in an atmosphere with gambling, $2 beers, and countless random strangers to bullshit with, then I'm walking away happy.

Unfortunately, it was closing day at the Woodlands. Apparently they're not making any money these days, and the state won't let them put in slot machines to stay afloat, so despite our best efforts to keep them in business by purchasing obscene amounts of Busch beer (gold tops, holler at your boy!) it looks like they'll be shutting down, at least for awhile. This is my disappointed face.

Question of the day: if you could pick one celebrity to be in the next issue of Playboy, who would it be? Ladies, you can choose the guy you most wanna see naked. No homo.


I'm going with Jennifer Love Hewitt. She has been teasing everyone with that giant rack of hers for over a decade now, and despite the fact that she is a shitty actress, she absolutely refuses to get naked in any of her god-forsaken movies. It's driving me crazy. I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks.

I Know What You Masturbated To Last Summer