Bullets (Not Of The Washington Variety)

Speaking of the Washington Bullets, how uncool were they until they traded for Chris Webber? Holy, they were awful when I was a youngster. You know that if your NBA Jam representatives are Tom Gugliotta and Harvey Grant, then you are not a very successful franchise. While we're at it, my favorite NBA Jam combos:

1. Tim Hardaway & Chris Mullin- I know it's blasphemous for me to not have Ewing and Starks in the top spot...but I could play as Golden State, and I'll give you Wilt Chamberlain and Jesus Christ, and I'll still beat you.

2. Patrick Ewing & John Starks- Love 'em dearly, but they weren't very good in this game. Even in a video game where players could jump to the rafters, Ewing still hobbled around on the court.

3. Shawn Kemp & Detlef Schrempf- Schrempf was solid if unspectacular, but sometimes I think that NBA Jam was created just for Kemp. His dunks were siiiick.

4. Larry Johnson & Alonzo Mourning- Couldn't shoot 3's worth shit, but probably the best pair of dunkers/rim protectors in the game. No easy buckets against them.

5. Isiah Thomas & Bill Laimbeer- Isiah was pretty much unguardable, and you could just turn Laimbeer loose to go fuck people up.

Screw it, I've already wasted this much time, here's the 5 worst:

1. Brad Lohaus & Blue Edwards- so bad that I bet only DVJS could name what team they represented (no googling.)

2. The aforementioned Googs/Harvey combo.

3. Clarence Weatherspoon & Jeff Hornacek- you know when you would go up big on a team, and then the computer A.I. would kick into "automatic comeback so that every game ends on a buzzer beater" mode? Well, when Philadelphia would do that, we would call it Revenge of the Nerds. Man these two were geeks.

4. Christian Laettner & Chuck Person- The Chuckster was sweet, but Laettner really is that big of a homo. Forget the 1972 gold medal game against the USSR, Laettner making the original Dream Team in '92 was the greatest tragedy in United States Olympic Basketball history. They should run a SportsCentury on that.

5. Dikembe Mutombo & Laphonso Ellis- I dare you to make a shot outside of 3 feet with these two.

I know it's tough to go on that stupid of a side tangent when the original blog is supposed to be just random bullets anyway, but I feel that was sufficiently ridiculous. Oh and I just listed those off the top of my head, so don't comment to say "Whatever, bro. Jeff Malone was actually on Philadelphia's team, not Hornacek." I'm not your bro, bro.

OK now to other stuff, which may or may not be even more pointless. No promises.

• Happy travels to French and La as they make their trek from Boston to Los Angeles. We were able to meet them for some mexican food and Coronas on Tuesday (and some pancakes and Coronas the next morning. Just kidding....I don't have pancakes that early in the morning) as they passed through the humble midwest on their way to the bright lights of the City of Angels. I'm extremely jealous that they are fulfilling one of my lifelong dreams of driving across the entire country. Godspeed, kids.

• Currently ESPN is counting down the 'most prestigious' college basketball programs in the country, in their typical overhyped ESPN fashion. However, Eldest Brother Schneweis already broke this down, in great detail, a few months ago, and is not getting paid thousands of dollars nor getting fanfare on one of the most popular websites on the planet, so I thought I would give him propers here. A pretty nice consolation prize, if you ask me. It's pretty solid work, and interesting as hell (unless you are not a college basketball enthusiast, in which case you probably don't want to click the link.)

• I didn't comment on these sports stories when they were current, and it's too late to write in detail about them now, but quickly: WNBA brawl = awesome. Rick Mahorn being involved in said brawl = doubly awesome. CBS dumping Billy Packer for the Final Four, which was about 20 years overdue = unspeakably fantastic. CBS not replacing him with my boy Gus Johnson = disappointing, but predictable. And finally, Brett Favre = idiot. Fucking quit already. If I see one more headline that reads "Favre text messages Packers' GM...Content Unknown" or "Favre Does Not Have Packer-Issued Phone" then, to quote the debate moderator from Billy Madison, I am just gonna snap.

• Sometimes I have to remember that I can't always talk like I'm with my buddies when I'm at work. Yeah, the M.O.M. Squad loves when I say certain things, like when instead of saying "I'm going to lunch" I say "I'm going to get my eats on." And they find it amusing when I drop in an occasional "peace out" or "word up" (word up takes the place of about 17 other phrases for me, so they hear that one a lot.) However- - - - back story: back when we made Charlie Brown's our home-field advantage bar, there was this band of crazy 50-somethings who were still living like it was the Woodstock era. They played there nearly every weekend. Their drummer was this dude who was either still heavily involved in hardcore drugs, or else he had smoked himself retarded in 1968 and was dealing with the repercussions now. Anyways, he had some mental tic, where everytime he heard the phrase "True story" he would automatically reply with "Donkey donkey donkey." No matter if he was in mid-conversation, mid-song, or mid-whatever else he was doing. And since this band played there often, the bartenders and blackjack dealers were all very aware of this. So, for their own amusement, every once in a while when the band was rocking out, a bartender would casually call out "True Story!" while going about his business; he wouldn't even have to be looking at the drummer. Inevitably, even if he was interrupting the lead singer's lyrics, the reply would come: "DONKEY DONKEY DONKEY!!!" This put me into giggling hysterics every time (not surprisingly if you know me), and I quickly joined in the fun, yelling "True Story!" every time there was a lull in conversation. Over time, eventually I even started saying "donkey donkey donkey" when people said "true story" and soon barely realized I was doing it- - - - Which led to a couple days ago, when a co-worker uttered the magic words, and I casually threw out "donkey donkey donkey" without knowing it. After she stood there with a blank look on her face for about 10 incredibly awkward seconds, I realized what I said, and sheepishly told her the preceding story. In Dr. Evil whisper: Uncomfortable.....

• 3 things that are back as of today, after being out of my life since May 31:


• David Ortiz


• My "let's go to Vegas" itch


• My leg hair