So Long, Curtis

After flip-flopping on the decision more often than Bergman when he was choosing his favorite college basketball team growing up, I finally decided to pull the trigger and get rid of the Altima and get a new car.

It was a good run with Curtis and I, he always ran beautifully for me, and he accompanied me to 24 different states over the last 5 1/2 years. However, he has a flaw that I could not ignore anymore: He gets randomly beat up by strangers for no good reason more often than Daniel LaRusso. He was broken into twice; dinged by other car doors multiple times; got banged up by a coyote who tried to take a charge on the interstate in Wyoming; was the victim of some Altima-on-Altima crime, courtesy of Schne one drunken evening at Culligan Manor; and most recently, was the victim of one of the drunkest guys I've ever met in my life. My car was the nerdy kid on the playground who had to give up his lunch money to the bully every day, then went home from school starving and his parents wondered why he always ate so much food at dinner when he was a really skinny kid.

I hadn't cleaned out my car for a really really long time, and was surprised at what came out:

keg tap (no idea where this came from...I suppose probably a keg)

can of Axe bodyspray with a sell date of October 2002

Beastie Boys Anthology CD booklet

Crown Royal velvet pouch

2 souvenir golf balls, one from The Masters in 2005, the other from the 2006 PGA Championship at Medinah

3 pairs of sunglasses

softball jersey from 2005-2006 that smelled like the inside of a wooden leg, filled with microwaved diapers

My golf clubs

3-wood and 5-wood, banished from my bag because I can't hit them worth shit

Golf spikes

Softball spikes

Baseball glove, is it weird that I have only used glove my entire life? Seriously, the glove I used for fucking tee-ball, I still use today for softball.

Tennis racket

Old wooden baseball bat used for bouncy-ball home run derby

Frisbee golf discs

Box of 15 Titleist golf balls, unopened

6 tennis balls

Roughly 15 baseballs, from when I used to be an umpire and I would get back to my car and realize I still had the game balls in my pockets (sorry, CJ.)

In other words, I was basically driving around with a used sporting goods store in my trunk. I should've named my car Play-It-Again.

There were requests for me to put up pictures of the new Element on here, but I can't in good conscience do that. I would feel like one of those kids who sits in the K-mart parking lot and revs his engine and talks about how sweet his car is, along with 12 other losers who can't find anything better to do on a Friday night. Go do something productive and jerk off to 'The Fast and the Furious' or something. Also, it's an Element. It's blue and gray and looks like a box. If you haven't seen one yet, then you have been living in a cave for 4 years, and I'm not sure how you have internet access in there.