Gettin' My Hills On

Embarrassing confession: back in 2005, I was a fan of the show Laguna Beach. Not just a casual fan, either; more like "holy shit it's 9:00 I've got to get to a TV right now ahhhh I can't miss the opening!" It's tough to pinpoint exactly what sucked me in (underage girls?) I had already given up on 'The Real World' and 'Road Rules' and 'Real World/Road Rules Challenge' and whateverthefuckelse MTV rolls out with that franchise. But something about Laguna cut right to the core of me (let's be honest; it was the underage girls.)

A couple years later, we watched 'The Hills' pretty regularly at Culligan Manor, but I'm blaming that one on Horp and Noles (Horp was also the sole reason I even know that the show 'Sweet Sixteen' exists.) Without them, I doubt I would've tuned in once- I was never a big Lauren Conrad fan. I couldn't take much of that show, however. The I-can't-even-believe-these-are-real-humans douchebaggery of Brody and Spencer made the show untolerable for me. I turned it off and never looked back.

So the other day, I'm enjoying a peaceful hungover Sunday on the couch. I seriously couldn't even remember the last time I just set up shop on the couch and watched shitty TV all day long- it's the one major downfall to the excitement of March Madness, as well as having this weekend job at the golf course. I started out watching NBA playoff basketball and flicking around on commercials. Then I saw that an episode of 'The Hills' was on, and Kristin Cavallari was heavily involved (probably the captain of the All-Bitch Team- where knowing that she's a raging B somehow only makes her hotter.)

In Ron Burgundy voice: We are through. Through! Because of your actions, you SCORPION woman!!!


So I watched for a couple minutes.....then I started watching the new episode when it came on, and the basketball game got relegated to commercials....before I knew it, I was balls-deep in a Hills marathon, and couldn't even remember what NBA game I had previously been watching.

And I gotta tell ya, it was fantastic. Just being hungover, eating shitty food, watching horrible TV, going on ebay to buy my ticket to climb back on the MTV bandwagon....glorious. Everything I remembered it to be. The one difference: I kinda like Brody and Spencer now. Don't get me wrong, they're still gigantic toolsheds....but at least they're kinda funny. Either that, or I'm a bigger asshole than I used to be. Spencer talks to The Plastic Robot Formerly Known As Heidi Montag like she's six years old, and it kills me every time. And Brody taking back Crazy Eyes Jayde when she's completely and totally insane.....classic case of crazy in head equals crazy in bed.

Then the other shoe dropped when the new season started on Tuesday night. The entire episode was probably 17 minutes, with 13 minutes of commercials. And absolutely NOTHING happened. Not one thing. And I was quickly reminded of one of the reasons I stopped watching in the first place. In half-hour segments, these shows are terrible. Nothing effing happens from minute to minute. But in marathon form, one after another after another, suddenly these episodes become action packed.

So new game plan: I'm just DVRing the whole season, then waiting for another Sunday afternoon when I have nothing to do besides crush an entire season of shitty TV.

Today is where my book begins.....the rest is still unwritten.