The Nose Plays

So here's my issue: the other night I got absolutely crushed in the face at our city league basketball game while driving to the hoop (it was probably a good no-call.....anytime there's an audible 'smack', the guy lets the ball fall out of his hands, crumples halfway to the ground, and yells "Jeeeezus Christ!", you have to swallow your whistle on that one. Gotta love city league basketball in Lawrence.) I don't know if it was an elbow, a fist, or a rhinocerous foot, but it effing hurt. I was woozy for a couple minutes, and my nose was kinda sore that night, but I didn't think it was a very big deal in the long run. TV has warped my mind; I was convinced that when you broke your nose, there was an immediate outpouring of blood, and I'd start bawling in front of everybody.....












But as the days have progressed, my nose has hurt more and more. Also, when I touch it or squeeze it, it makes some weird noises. I've also had trouble breathing through it, and had some, um, snot issues, which I had been attributing to the crippling cold I am just getting over now. My nose has always been big and crooked (kind of a poor man's version of Matt Damon's fake nose in Ocean's 13, hence the title of this post) and I didn't have a black eye or anything, so I had no visual evidence.

I was describing my condition and joking around at work about how my nose was probably broken, and instead of laughs like I was expecting, I received solemn head nods and near-unanimous agreement. I checked symptoms online, and the news wasn't promising. There's a pretty decent chance it is actually broken.

I'm not usually such a hypochondriac. Actually, I'm closer to the opposite. For example, there is unquestionably something wrong with my knee. It's been sore since about 2001; the pain gradually increasing with every year. Some days are good, others are bad, and if it gets tweaked at all during a game, it's fucked for a few days. At this point, if I don't get loosened up for at least 15 minutes before a game, stretching the knee and getting up a few dozen shots, you can bet everything you own that I'm not making any jump shots (which is convenient, since unless we're the first game of the night, we're lucky to get 3 minutes of warm-up time before a game. Once again I say, gotta love city league basketball in Lawrence.) However, I continue to convince myself that I'm just getting older, and that nothing is seriously wrong internally.

So now that I've effectively convinced myself that my nose is broken, here's my dilemma. I don't want to go to the doctor to see if it's actually broken, because I'm pretty sure (once again movies and TV may have skewered reality) that they have to re-break it, or at least reset it or something, and that it hurts like a bastard. Plus, I'm pretty sure James Woods is involved somehow. And there's no way I'm going through that kind of pain by choice. I've never even taken a full-on punch before. I've only been in one little fight (and my mom got scared, and said "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air!") But I'm gonna sit there while some guy in a long white coat breaks my nose on purpose? I'll pass, thanks.

So as of now, my decision is that I'm probably just gonna ignore this until it goes away....or until it starts affecting my jump shot as bad as my knee does. I've already learned from TV how to protect myself....