Chicago (Not The Crappy Musical With That Broad From Jerry Maguire)

Today we leave for Chicago, our makeup trip from last October, when I told my Chitown friends that we were coming, but then the Cubs shit the bed in the playoffs, and work got busy, and I was a little burned out from all the weddings and driving, so we bailed and all the Chicagoites got pissed at me and threatened to de-friend me on Facebook until I promised we'd come this year.

A few things are near-certainties for this trip: We will get special sauced at Wrigley Field on Friday afternoon. Hopefully to the point where at the end of the game I'll be singing along with everyone else in the event of a Cubs win. "Go Cubs goooooo! Go Cubs gooooo! Hey Chicago, whaddya say? The Cubs are gonna win today!" Look for me on WGN- I'll be the sunburned, drunk douchebag in the bleachers with his shirt off. Should be pretty easy to spot, there's usually not too many of those guys.

We will get burgers at the Billy Goat, my second favorite burger place in the continental United States. When Paul, Fundy, Rocko (and her bad-itude) and I visited Chels and Mike in '06 we ate there, and it was fantastic. The dudes working the grills try and shame you into getting way more burger than you want, yelling "cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger double double double cheeseburger!!!!" at you nonstop until you give in. After the dudes finally coerced a double cheeseburger out of a confused/flustered Fundy and set their sights on me, I cut them off right away: "You don't have to sell me guys, just give me a triple with extra onions." Moral of the story: I'm fat. Top 5 burger jointskis:

5. Sonic on 6th Street, Lawrence KS

4. Some place I can't remember the name of on the beach, Corpus Christi TX

3. Margaritaville, Las Vegas NV (probably not properly rated because everything seems more awesome in Vegas due to the natural high I'm riding when I'm there. It would be like a pothead saying that Cool Ranch Doritos are the greatest food in the history of the world.)

2. Billy Goat, Chicago IL

1. Darkhorse, Boulder CO


Between Alfonso, Kos and myself, at least 70% of our dialogue will be straight up Chappelle Show quotes. Alfonso and I haven't said "Hello" to each other in like 4 years; when we greet each other we both just yell "Awwww shit, son!" We'll hold entire conversations in nothing but Chappelle, and the girls will react in their own separate ways. Katie will roll her eyes in exasperation; Chelsey will want to go buy the DVDs so she knows everything we're talking about; and Alex will laugh a little bit, although recognizing certain quotes will trigger fear in her subconscious, since I made her watch every single Chappelle Show episode, Clockwork Orange style, when we started dating. It's a prerequisite to living with me.


I'm one of the baddest mutha fuckas of all time. One of the best singers and one of the best lookin' mutha fuckas you've ever seen. Hold my drink, bitch. I'm Rick James.



Everybody have a happy 4th. Let's keep it real while keepin' it safe. Kiss the rings, bitch. I'm out.