I went to sleep last night with a stack of presents under the tree with my name on them. When I woke up this morning, my parents informed me that the New York Yankees offered them $180 million dollars in exchange for my gifts, so now I don't have anything to open today. Even though the Yankees had already shelled out $161 million and $82.5 million for a couple of other kids' presents within the last couple weeks...and even though in Christmases past, they have coughed up $275 million and $189 million, they still didn't think twice about swooping in at the last minute and throwing more cash around and ruining my Christmas.
"That's awesome that you signed with the Yankees, but guess what.....now I'm going to have to kill you. I'm gonna pop a fucking cap in your ass. You're dead, you're Tupac, you are fucking Biggie. You piece of shit, I hope you fucking die or drop the chair and kill that fucking kid. I hope your plane crashes. Peace, fucker!"Merry Christmas.
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