So when I listed a bunch of random, stupid, made up "facts" about Alex Rodriguez the other day, I thought I had a pretty good idea of how it would go down. Some people would laugh. Some people would think it's horribly boring and unfunny. Some people would skim through the post and barely even read it, since they don't follow baseball. Some people would heartily agree, and maybe come up with some of their own, since they share my dislike of A-Rod. And some people would disagree, since they enjoy A-Rod. I thought there was even a possibility of a few jokes about Manny or Youkilis or Papelbon, or maybe some other anti-Red Sox sentiments would turn up in the comments, especially from my buddies who are Twins fans.
What I didn't expect was that some rando from the Bronx named "Evelyn" would take severe offense to a clearly--let me repeat--CLEARLY satirical topic. Among other things, here's what she had to say (go check all the comments from yesterday if you feel like this isn't enough to make you laugh):
"It is incredible that you have all this time to post this garbage..YOu probably don't even know the guy.
So who cares if A-Rod collects magnets in the shape of a state..My mother collects magnets in the shape of fruits, animals, vegetables and every possible eatible thing out there, and you know what is the bottom line..nobody cares.So what if he eats the biggest slice of pizza, guest what we all do.. And regarding the women comment, with the kind of money this guy has I doubt very much, women are not flocking to him...Remember money talks and BS walks. He would not need to get a fake phone number if I was around. He would get it without asking."
Well now. Ignoring the numerous spelling and grammatical errors (because this isn't a column for the New York Times, it's a fucking blog, and its contents probably shouldn't be, ahem, taken so seriously) this is quite the piece of work. I will give you some propers, Evelyn: you made a lot of people laugh their asses off with that last paragraph. You brightened up the work day for a sizable group of people.
Normally I love it when people either disagree with me or make fun of me in the comments; everyone knows I enjoy a good healthy discussion that borders on an argument, especially when it is about a particularly trivial subject. And Lord knows I rip on a lot of people and a lot of things; it would be incredibly lame if I gave it out but couldn't take it.
But are you for real?
Yes, Evelyn, you are correct when you say that I "don't even know the guy." I have no idea what A-Rod's thoughts are concerning Lord of the Rings. I am unsure of his tipping policy in restaurants. I don't have his paper-rock-scissors lifetime winning percentage at my disposal. He may or may not enjoy magnets in the shape of different states....I've heard those are popular. I can't say for sure what his workout playlist sounds like (but I'd bet there's lots of Madonna in it.) I have never shared a pizza with A-Rod, so I have no knowledge of what his etiquette is when he's down to the last two slices. You're probably right, he probably doesn't have to fake getting a woman's phone number (I mean, YOU'D give it to him without asking, so he'd get at least one, right?) I highly doubt he even has a facebook account...but he should look into it, then he and Jeter could message each other all day, LOLZ.
The point of all this, if it wasn't obvious the first time around, is it's all a FUCKING JOKE. Please act accordingly. I would have loved it if you would've said something like "When Hammen is losing in Online Madden, he 'accidentally' unplugs his internet connection so the game doesn't count on his win/loss record." That would've been funny. But instead, you treated me like I was Kramer at the Laugh Factory.
So "Evelyn", if you are a buddy of mine posing as someone else, then come forward, reveal yourself, and take a bow; you have forced me to write an entire post directly to you. I died a little bit inside when I typed this. Good prank, you win. Well played.
If you are a real person, however, then I can do nothing but wish you well as you travel the internet searching for blogs that make fun of A-Rod, and staunchly defending him when it is unnecessary. Keep fighting the good fight.
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