Any Given Sunday (You Can Find Me On The Couch)

I love when football season starts. I get to sit on the couch and watch TV for up to and including 9 hours, my only concern being what my order from Sonic is going to be. Do I get 2 chili cheese wraps and 1 cheeseburger, or 2 cheeseburgers and just 1 chili cheese wrap? Fuck it, I'll get 2 of each.

Now normally, this kind of day would depress me, and force me to look in the mirror and wonder what I'm doing with my life. But it's OK, because football is on, so it's perfectly fine to sit on my ass and spend more time recovering from my Friday and Saturday night shenanigans (roughly 40 beers the last two days) than it took to actually experience said shenanigans.

{Side note: my ultimate "What am I doing with my life?" moment came freshman year of college. We were pregaming in Schne and Kos' dorm room. I was sitting on their futon, watching them battle each other in Dr. Mario, and I happened to glance up at the mirror that sat directly across from my spot. In one hand I had a can of Schmidt's (the old-style can with the big elk and wilderness scene on it) and in the other I was gnawing on a log of chocalate chip cookie dough. It was an eye-opening portrait of my life. I still drank Schmidt's for another year afterwards, but I stopped eating entire logs of cookie dough.}

OK, here's the obligatory "here's my fantasy football team" post that is so popular this time of year:

QB- Ben Rothliesburger

RB- Larry Johnson (since traded to Bergman for Clinton Portis)

RB- Julius Jones

WR- Plaxico Burress

WR- Hines Ward

WR- Donte Stallworth

TE- Chris Cooley

K- Neil Rackers

DEF- Packers

QB- Jay Cutler

RB- Deangelo Williams (already cut him and picked up my boy Chris Johnson)

WR- DeSean Jackson

TE- Alge Crumpler

DEF- J-E-T-S Jets-Jets-Jets!

I know I bitched about this last year, then went on to win the title (thanks to some savvy pickups and a TON of luck once I hit the playoffs) but I'm going to complain again about not having a live draft, and not having a serpentine draft order. The way it sets up, I have to commit to choosing a certain position (I chose RB) in the first round. So it comes to my pick, and the best available RB is Larry Johnson (who I can't stand.) Now, I have to take him, since I said choose RB first round. But in reality, I'm gonna say fuck him and take Romo or Manning or Moss, or a different RB, or something. And then, to top that off, I'm not even guaranteed a high secound round pick because the drafting order is fucked. I hate it. I know we're spread out now, everywhere from San Diego (which of course in German means a whale's vagina) to Chicago to North Dakota to Kansas to Kentucky, but we're gonna have to figure something out for next year, kids.

"No more of this automated draft shit. This bush league psyche-out stuff. It's laughable, man!"

And here are my NFL predictions that no one cares about. I pretty much just do this for myself, I like looking back on these. Now I'm not a gambling man or anything, but when I do, I usually clean up during the season gambling on individual games; but for some reason my pre-season predictions are garbage. It's a crazy world we live in.

NFC East
1. Dallas
2. Philadelphia
3. NY Giants
4. Washington

NFC North
1. Minnesota
2. Green Bay
3. Detroit
4. Chicago

NFC South
1. New Orleans
2. Tampa Bay
3. Carolina
4. Atlanta

NFC West
1. Arizona
2. Seattle
3. St. Louis
4. San Francisco

NFC Playoffs:
Wild Card Round: Green Bay over Minnesota, Philly over Arizona
Divisional Round: New Orleans over Green Bay, Dallas over Philly
Championship: Dallas over New Orleans

AFC East
1. New England
2. NY Jets
3. Buffalo
4. Miami

AFC North
1. Pittsburgh
2. Cleveland
3. Baltimore
4. Cincinnati

AFC South
1. Jacksonville
2. Indianapolis
3. Houston
4. Tennessee

AFC West
1. San Diego
2. Denver
3. Oakland
4. Kansas City

AFC Playoffs
Wild Card round: Jacksonville over NY Jets, Indianapolis over Pittsburgh
Divisional round: Jacksonville over San Diego, New England over Indianapolis
Championship: New England over Jacksonville

Super Bowl: New England over Dallas

And as I'm sitting here typing this, I now have a new favorite commercial: the one where the Williams sisters and the Manning brothers are arguing. The very end part where Eli pounds the table and yells, "And stop copying us!" makes me giggle every time. I'm sure once they play it like 37 times in the next few hours, I might not like it so much.