The Top 5. Volume 6.

A special two-parter, just for everyone who stuck with every college basketball post even though they were bored as shit. Although this top 5 is all about hot girls, so the female readers probably won't be too grateful. Anyyyyyyways, here are the top 5 TV characters I was in love with during my childhood. And I'm talking childhood too, like elementary school/middle school. So everyone who is gonna freak out and leave a comment about how I'm forgetting Hilary Duff can save it, she doesn't count, I was already old enough to realize how inappropriate my comments were. (Everyone gave me shit for thinking a 13 year-old was cute when I was 18, but I told you fuckers that Lizzie McGuire was gonna be smoking hot someday, way before she was popular. I stand by my statements, I don't care how creepy I sounded at the time.) On to the ladies:

#5. Jamie Luner (Cindy Lubbock, Just the Ten of Us)

Did anyone else ever watch Just the Ten of Us? It was about the high school coach (who may or may not have been Rick Majerus) who had a bunch of smoking hot daughters. I loved that show, especially Cindy. She was a huge ditz, was a red-head, and had a huge rack. A winning combination if I've ever heard one. I certainly wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers in there, if you know what I'm sayin'. I couldn't find any good pics of her when she was on the show, since no one watched it and all, but she is the one in the top right. Don't ask me why they are all wearing pajamas, it was the 80's and this show sucked, according to the non-horny, non-pre-pubescent boy demographic. I think she may have gone on to star on Melrose Place. Don't quote me on that.

#4. Danica McKellar (Winnie Cooper, The Wonder Years)

Oh Winnie. If you look up "girl next door, sneak-up-on-you hot" in the dictionary you won't find a definition (I looked) but if there was one, it would feature a picture of Winnie Cooper. I don't know if the narrator in the show ever mentioned how fucking out of Kevin's league she was, but he should've. I should mention that I'm trying to post pics of these ladies from when they were on the show, not the semi-nude ones that are on google from when these gals stopped being polite and started getting real, but um....if you wanna take a couple of minutes to google Winnie Cooper and see how she has grown up, go ahead. I'll wait....

#3. Marne Patterson (Nicole Farrell, Something So Right)

OK now I'm sure not many people have heard of this show. I watched it for one reason, and one reason only. My girl Marne, who I first saw a couple years earlier in Camp Nowhere. A few years ago, I made out with a friend of a friend in Minneapolis because her name was Marne. Well, there were other reasons too, like she was hot, and at one point in the evening, she glanced at the TV at the bar that was playing SportsCenter, and she dropped this line: "I think Eli Manning has more talent than Ben Rothliesburger, but Ben just got put in an offense that suits his strengths better." Now that I think back on it, I probably should've just proposed on the spot. But I digress. I know that in my drunken stupor, the fact that her name was Marne was what sealed the deal for me that night. Of course, the next day Chelsey and St. Aubyn informed me that they thought her name was actually Marty, but that's neither here nor there.....

#2. Larisa Oleynik (Alex Mack, The Secret Adventures of Alex Mack)

I love a girl in a backwards baseball hat. I was pretty convinced for a while that if I ever met Alex Mack in real life, I could date her. Don't know why, she just gave off that innocent girl vibe or something. When I heard she was dating the little fucker from 3rd Rock from the Sun, I wanted to kick his ass. This was a serious crush. When I say 'was', I mean 'still is.'



#1. Tiffani Amber-Thiessen (Kelly Kapowski, Saved by the Bell)





Really no explanation paragraph necessary. I would expect Kelly to top a lot of dudes' lists. She was the triple threat: she could be athletic and look hot; she could be all sweet and innocent and look hot; and as she proved on 90210, she could be a dirty-ass whore and look hot. Multi-faceted game, son. The only thing I can deduct points for is when she cheated on Zack with Jeff the d-bag. Bitch. I'm sorry Kelly, I didn't mean that.

Coming next: the Top 5 Girls Who I Was Supposed To Think Were Hot According To The Show But Really Sucked. I already made the list, but leave your guesses in the comments on who you think I included in that list, I'm curious to hear who you predict.