The Mitchell Report

The Mitchell Report was released last week and rocked the baseball world, releasing the names of dozens of current and former players who used steroids or HGH to enhance their performance. Plenty of names you would expect (Clemens) and plenty you wouldn't (F.P. Santangelo? Fernando Vina?) and there are most likely dozens more who weren't named. Jose Canseco (the douchebag who got this whole thing started with his book a few years ago) was quoted the next day as being incredulous that Alex Rodriguez wasn't named in the report. Dear Jose: Shut the fuck up. No one cares about you anymore. You are a dipshit and have balls the size of a three year old. No homo.

However, he brings up a good point. I also have a few individuals in mind that I have a hard time believing weren't taking performance enhancing drugs at some point in their careers:

Chuck Norris. How can a guy who can provide electricity to the entire continent of Austrailia for 44 minutes with one roundhouse kick NOT be taking performance-enhancing drugs? And while we're here, America, can we be done with the Chuck Norris jokes yet? The first 9 emails I received containing 132 facts each were kind of funny, but now it's been like 3 years....are we done?

Teen Wolf. He was probably the poster boy for HGH until it was revealed that Michael J. Fox really HAD dribbled a basketball in his life before the filming of that dramatic final montage.

The Incredible Hulk. This one may not count because I'm pretty much positive that Jose Canseco and the Incredible Hulk are the same guy.

Subway Jared. Do I really need a caption for this one? Judges? No.

Bowser. I'm aware that he's a dragon/dinosaur, but he is still awful mean, and prone to violent mood swings. Plus, he fathered seven Koopa children with seven different mothers, was a repeat sex offender (just ask the Princess), and an Italian-hating racist. Just an all-around bad guy.

Billy Zabka (The bad guy from Karate Kid) A sure sign of drug use is making sure your entire existence revolves around ruining the life of a skinny new student from New Jersey whose only real friend is a weird old janitor/repairman. Sweep the leg!

"Psycho T" Tyler Hansbrough. Can't you just hear him roid-raging on his photographer? "Make sure you get the fucking basketball in this shot! I'm holding it up with one hand, bro! Can you do that? Probably not, you loser! I'm going to North Carolina! I'm gonna be a Division I athlete and it doesn't even matter that I got cut from the debate team and cried at Prom this year! Don't fuck this up, you only take senior pictures once! Make sure you get the black-and-white shot, my cheekbones look totally sweet in black-and-white!!!"

Falcor (The Never-Ending Story) Plain and simple, that's a big-ass dog. A little too big, to be perfectly honest. If they called this movie The Never Ending Nostrils nobody would've argued.

Fulton Reed (Mighty Ducks). Slapshots that knock goalies unconscious and/or blow holes in the back of the net aren't natural.

Darth Vader. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....a dark lord of the Sith made the groundbreaking discovery that The Force flows within you a lot more powerfully when you're taking HGH.

Big Bird. Let's be real, canaries don't grow to be 7'4'' without a little outside help. I'm sure Oscar had access to a ton of that shit in his garbage can. Don't be fooled, few 'hoods kept it gangsta like Sesame Street did. Shit's real out there. To be fair, if I hung out primarily with a giant woolly mammoth named Mr. Snuffleupagus, I'd probably feel pressured to take steriods to get bigger too.

The creepy-ass girl from The Ring. I don't know about you, but I don't know any other 13 year old girls who can shoot a free-throw without grunting like Maria Sharapova, much less climb out of a goddamn well in under 4 seconds.

A.C. Slater. Look at him lift that fucking barstool like it's nothing! They don't just hand out wrestling scholarships to Iowa for free, son.

Optimus Prime. Megatron was quoted as saying that he injected Optimus with steroids in both exhaust pipes back in 2002, shortly before becoming a Decepticon. More than meets the eye, indeed.




Tecmo Bo Jackson. Have you ever had a 99-yard touchdown run, carrying 4 defenders on your back, spending the first 7 minutes running in circles and backwards, then deciding to score? Me neither.

In an unrelated story (unless you think he might have taken performance enhancers too, which I won't rule out) Deuce has now started a blog as well. Give him a look. The Deuce is loose.