Ode To Vegas

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope the holidays found everyone well. They were good for me, except for finding out that I received a 74 on my second CPA test (75 is passing.) It is a huge kick in the nuts, but what better way to feel better than a New Year's trip to Vegas? This is my third time in the last year going (last New Year's and spring break) and, despite the almost indescribable ass-kicking we took during March Madness, I am confident about my chances to come back, (or maybe should I say die hard?) with a vengeance. For anyone who hasn't been, here is my view of all the good things (and bad) about Vegas.

PRO: Singing the opening line of "I can show you the world....shining, shimmering, splendor..." to the blackjack dealer at the Aladdin after every blackjack, while she giggled uncontrollably, to the point she had to stop dealing for a minute.

CON: Being told shortly thereafter we weren't allowed to order two drinks at a time anymore by the pit boss.

PRO: Miracle comebacks by Boston College to send the game into overtime, then blowing Pacific out in overtime to cover the 11 point spread. I've never felt closer to a group of complete strangers than that moment in my life.

CON: Having that game be the only one correct in your three-team teaser.

PRO: Burgers at Margaritaville.

CON: 38 dollar cases of beer in the Luxor gift shop.

PRO: Standing in line, watching a 350 pound guy listening to horse racing at the Imperial suddenly throw his headphones, pound the table, and start screaming "no!!!! no!!!!! no!!!!! fuck no, I fuckin' knew it!!!!!! fuck!!!!! no!!!!!! ahhhh jesus christ, this whole DAY has been a fuckin' DISASTER!!!!" It was 8:30 AM.

CON: Not 2 minutes later, talking to a college kid, a "diehard" LSU fan, who was scared of the possible second round matchup (actually with Texas A&M), or, as he put it, "Texas...or maybe Texas St. I don't know, somebody in the SEC, though." Mmmhmm. Texas St. is a scary team on paper. Especially coming out of the SEC. Go Tigers.

PRO: As we drive up to the Luxor the first time, Dunph announces that the light beam on top of the pyramid is the brightest light in the world, to which we respond, naturally, by ridiculing him, and making it the running joke of the weekend. Asking him if he was just googling brightest light beams one day, telling girls "yeah...we're staying at the Luxor....brightest light beam in the world, you know...no big deal, though." etc. etc.

Not really a CON, but just kinda funny: Finding out months later that he was right.

PRO: Betting the over in the Giants/Raiders game, then watching them hit the over in the second quarter, for a stress-free second half.

CON: A meaningless, buzzer-beating, even though we just made a ridiculous comeback to cover the spread, we're gonna let you stroll down the court uncontested and make a layup by Gonzaga. What defense was that, Mark Few, the "Box And Let's Cost Jim $100"?!?

PRO: Meeting smoking hot girls from Utah at the blackjack table that could talk coherently about Andrew Bogut, Alex Smith, and even Keith Van Horn and Andre Miller.

CON: Getting molested by crazy Japanese whores at Club Ra. In fact, Club Ra is a CON all by itself. They should call it Club Douchebags & Crazy Japanese Whores.

PRO: Winning a $275 hand by flopping a nut straight on your first ever hand of poker in Vegas. Thanks, I thought it was pretty sweet too.

CON: Betting black, black, red on three consecutive $50 hands of roulette, and watching it come up red, red, black.

PRO: Getting some big, beautiful, fake boobies in your face, and being in a strip club where you're allowed to grab anything.

CON: Fake tits kinda feel like soccer balls.

PRO: Double-fisting Margaritas by the Yard.

CON: Still Double-fisting Margaritas by the Yard, 3 hours later.

PRO: Watching ADawg pull the old "I don't wanna gamble but I want free drinks" move:
Step 1: slide into a slot machine near a waitress.
Step 2: pretend to put money in.
Step 3: "hey, how you doin? sure, I'd love a drink!"
Step 4: accept your drink.
Step 5: talking to no one in particular: "ahh, this machine is cold, I'm outta here"
Step 6: mosey around, finish your drink.
Step 7: repeat.

CON: Not having the balls to gamble. Yeah, you, ADawg.

PRO: A decently hot girl starting to make out with you because you "helped her find her friends", even though you walked with her approximately 20 steps.

CON: Being drunk enough to proclaim "That was the hottest girl I've ever made out with!!!" and when everyone calls bullshit on that, backpedaling by saying "OK, but she's at least the hottest girl in Vegas!" My bad. What can I say, alcohol's a hell of a drug.

PRO: 11 seeds making Cinderalla runs through the tournament, taking down historic programs and making NCAA tournament history.

CON: Fuck you, George Mason.

PRO: The flight there.

CON: The flight home. Cracks the top 5 Most Depressing Locations in the U.S.

PRO: Getting off the plane and immediatley hearing the dinging bells of slot machines.

PRO: The initial rush of excitement and euphoria every single time you walk into a different casino.

PRO: Going to bed at 5 am (or on my first night, 10 am) and getting up a couple hours later (or on my first night, 45 minutes later) to get back at it.

Those last three PROs are why I love Vegas, and why this weekend will not be my last. Wish me luck.

P.S. not trying to make light of anyone dying, but does anyone remember the old Dana Carvey as Tom Brokaw "Gerald Ford dead today...and I'm gay" sketch? Those were the first, second, and third thoughts in my head when I read that headline today.