2006 Year-End Awards

It's that time of the year again...when I honor all the good things that have occurred or I have experienced during the year, and when I equally ridicule all the bad things. Without further ado...

Sportsman of the Year: This has been a year where the Sox folded like a cheap suit in the second half, Kansas choked in the first round and haven't proved much yet this season, the Knicks have become the biggest joke in sports in maybe the last 20 years, and Phil, one par away from three majors in a row, instead watched his game go to shit for the last six months. So, based almost exclusively on the last five games, the award goes to Vince Young. He's given me something NFL-related to cheer about for the first time in about 5 or 6 years. I would like to apologize for the string of expletives I let loose on draft day when this selection was made.

Movie of the Year: Also happens to be my new favorite movie of all-time: The Departed. See it if you haven't.

Most Disappointing Movie of the Year: Tie between Talladega Nights and Beerfest. To be fair, Talladega never had a shot after Anchorman. My expectations were through the roof. At some point, I will probably buy Talladega and watch it a few more times, and will probably find it funny someday. As for Beerfest, I don't even know. Just a great idea for a movie, and it almost seems like the Broken Lizard guys weren't even trying. They were leaving jokes on the table almost every scene. I used to think they were comedic geniuses, but maybe they just got lucky with Super Troopers.

Funniest Movie of the Year: Since the above two fell flat, Clerks 2 sneaks in, in a mild upset. Definite re-watchability. Best scenes: the Star Wars vs. Lord of the Rings argument; the Porch Monkey debacle; the discussion of Elias's girlfriend's pussy troll "Pillowpants" and mouth troll "Listerfiend."

Grandma's Boy, which I hadn't even heard of until it came out on DVD, is inducted into two halls of fame tonight. The first one is the "Harold & Kumar Go To Whitecastle" Hall of Fame, for movies that came out of nowhere to be funny as shit, or movies that I wasn't expecting much from, but became absolutely hiiiii-larious. Other members include Team America, Euro Trip, Saving Silverman, and Baseketball. GMa's Boy is also inducted into the most prestigious of my Halls, the appropriately named Anchorman Hall of Fame, reserved for movies that I watch at least three times the first week they come out on DVD, dramatically alter my vocabulary for months afterward, and have one-liners that ultimately become used for everyday conversation, to the point that I don't even realize I am quoting a movie. Other members from the last few years are Wedding Crashers, 40 Year Old Virgin, Dodgeball, and going back a few years, Dumb & Dumber, Tommy Boy, and Happy Gilmore.

Purchase of the Year: A runaway win for my Callaway X18 irons. In retrospect, after achieving my life goal of breaking par just a couple weeks after buying them, maybe I shouldn't have held blindly onto my Tommy Armours for so many years.

Worst Purchase of the Year: Actually just occurred last Saturday. Paul and I were DVD dumpster diving at Wal-Mart, when we came across National Lampoon's Dorm Daze. Everyone knows National Lampoon movies are guaranteed for multiple titty scenes, and with Tapanga from Boy Meets World as one of the stars, I decided to take a $4.50 gamble that we would get to see in an hour and a half what it took Corey Matthews eight years to get a glimpse of. Needless to say, we failed. How bad was the movie? Well, if I paid under 5 bucks, and it still is the worst purchase of the year, well.....

Best Decision of the Year: Lasik eye surgery. Wake up every morning and enjoy this one.

Worst Decision of the Year: Too painful to talk about in detail, so I'll give you the pieces and you put the puzzle together: Vegas. George Mason vs. Michigan St. Seemingly easy money line. Desparation. Booze. ATM.

Songs that vaulted into my all-time favorites: Train in Vain by The Clash, This Will Be Our Year by The Zombies, Heat of the Moment by Asia, Over the Hills and Far Away by Led Zeppelin, Superman by Goldfinger.

Game of the Year: Texas vs. USC Rose Bowl. Best college football game I've ever watched. Also sparked the argument between me and Bergman over who will have a better pro career, Young or Leinart. At the time I backed Leinart. The argument, escalating quickly with the aid of dollar Morgans at the Cuckoo's Nest, ended with me holding a full beer can over Bergman, threatening to smash him in the face. Ironically enough, the bet was called off after Tennessee drafted Young, as I didn't want the bet against Young hanging over my head when I had to cheer for him.

Game of the Year 2: Watching LSU dismantle J.J. Redick and Duke, as diehard Dookies Noles and Jenna watch in disbelief.

Personal Achievement of the Year: Graduating college? No chance. My fifteen-birdie, three-eagle, -21 round on the PGA Championship machine at Boston's. Course record, second best score on the whole machine. Also the night our softball team 15-run ruled our bitter rivals in the semifinals, and the night when Papi hit the three run homer to beat Cleveland, making July 31 probably the greatest day of the year, not counting the Vegas, Chicago, Boston, and Denver vacations. We'll call it the North Dakota day of the year.

Asshole Move of the Year: Horp peeing our couch, not telling anyone for a week, writing a note confessing at 6 am, then moving to Phoenix an hour later. Wow. Talk about "fuck your couch."

Asshole Move of the Year 2: Me convincing Horp, Fundy, Noles, and Dumphs how great of a bet George Mason vs. Michigan St. was. If that wasn't enough, I even made a few calls to buddies back home to let me put some money down for them, too. I made sure I wasn't going down alone on that one.

To end on a positive note, Wedding of the Year: Chelsey and Mike. Beautiful ceremony, people I hadn't seen for quite a while, and, of course, finding out what happens when energetic bible-school kids who dance for the joy of it meet boozed-up North Dakota kids who only dance when they have been drinking for nine hours. Chanting "it's all your fault!" at the bartender who told us the complimentary keg was dry was fun as well. Good times.

With Christmas and one more Vegas trip still to go, the up-to-date grade for 2006 is an A-.