The Top 5. Volume 11.

I hadn't watched the movie Fargo in about 12 years, except for bits and pieces on TV here and there. I hated it when it first came out, because I hated how it portrayed everybody from our area of the country as complete idiots. Whenever someone asked me about that movie, I gave my standard line: "I hated that movie. It set North Dakotans and Minnesotans back 50 years."

It was on TV the other day, and I decided that since I was older, presumably wiser, and could maybe enjoy the inherent comedy of ridiculing Norwegians now, I would give it another shot. Turns out my opinion had been wrong all these years. This movie actually sets us back 75 years, not 50. And it's not even really that funny anyway- I can't believe how much praise it receives and how many awards it was nominated for. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

However, the silver lining is that I watched it on TV, and every time they used the word "fucking" they replaced it with "frozen"- as in, "You've got your stupid little frozen uniform, huh buddy? Clip-on tie, big frozen man, huh?" Which for me goes right into the 5 spot on my top 5 TV versions of swear words in movies. Sometimes it's incredibly annoying to watch a movie on TV when they edit everything out- half the jokes in raunchy comedies become worthless (as Gangel and I found out during our hungover Sunday when we tried to watch Grandma's Boy on TV during football commercials) and how can you watch a movie like Goodfellas or Casino on TV? Half the time you're not even hearing De Niro or Pesci's voice, you're hearing the weird-sounding dubbed-in guy (and by the way, how do you get that job? What a resume-builder.)

But sometimes, just sometimes, whatever crap line they decide to throw in there in place of the offensive language actually upgrades the movie, due to its unintentional comedy. My top 4:

4. Scarface- the scene where Tony Montana is telling Manolo his plans for becoming a big player in the drug world.

Real line: "This town is just a great big pussy, waiting to get fucked."

Edited line: "This town is just a great big chicken, waiting to get plucked."


3. Snakes on a Plane- Samuel Jackson's iconic line that led to approximately one hundred million internet memes and made this movie popular months before it was released.

Real line: "That is it! I have had it with these mother fuckin' snakes on this mother fuckin' plane!"

Edited line: "That is it! I have had it with these monkey fightin' snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!"


2. Big Lebowski, when Walter is taking a baseball bat to what he thinks is Larry Sellers' car.

Real line: "You see what happens, Larry? Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?!?!"

Edited line: "You see what happens, Larry? Do you see what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps?!?!"


1. Major League, during the last inning when Roger Dorn comes to the mound to talk to Wild Thing.

Real line: "Just do one thing for me. Strike this mother fucker out."

Edited line: "Just do one thing for me. Strike this guyyyyyyyyyy out." (with 'guyyyyyyy' being said in the weirdest dubbed-in voice I've ever heard.)


Other examples?