Things You Do That Mean You're Probably Not My Friend

>> If something excites you or makes you happy, and you exclaim "Woot!" or maybe the double "Woot woot!" Every time I hear that, I grate my teeth together. Every time I read it in print, it's like someone is jabbing a hot poker into my heart.

>> If you use a Bluetooth. Just go ahead and punch your ticket into the Douche Hall of Fame with that one. We'll waive the 5-year waiting period.

>> If, while texting or conversing via computer, you use an abundance of emoticons/smiley faces/ordinary keys used to represent different facial expressions. C'mon, you don't have to abuse the semi-colon and parentheses keys in order to type a winky face for me to understand that you are being sarcastic. I get it ;)

I'm purposely excluding the use of LOL here- I could write a 15,000 word post about my hatred of LOL and all its forms. If I was in grad school, my thesis would be about how the creation and subsequent integration of LOL into our everyday language is slowly destroying our society. Actually, let's be honest, I think everyone here knows that my thesis paper would be how Tupac faked his death. Nonetheless, I hate LOL.

>> You have a decal or custom painting job that covers up the entire back window of your pickup truck. OK, dude, I get it, you like bald eagles, deer hunting, fireworks, and you REALLY like America...but can you see the lights coming from the police car behind you that's about to pull you over for doing 95 mph on the dirt road that leads to old fishin' levee? You're gonna blow a .24, minimum, and you've got a half-empty bottle of Cutty Sark and three loaded rifles on your passenger seat (not to mention the unregistered handgun in the glove box you use for shooting muskrats "aka goin' skrattin") so you'd better get a game plan ready.

(And while we're here...I'll also include any decals that feature Calvin pissing on the logo of a rival company. Like a Ford truck that has Calvin pissing on a Chevy logo. Really? If it was, say, Calvin wearing a Red Sox hat and peeing on a Yankees' logo- you know, an actual rivalry- well it would still be gay, but at least it would make sense. But why is Ford vs. Chevy piss-worthy? They're just different brands. I hit Callaway irons, do I feel the need to pee all over a Titleist logo? I like to eat Special K with red berries, and you don't see Calvin peeing all over Toucan Sam in my rear window. If you like Fruit Loops, that's cool. I just hope you don't drive a fucking Chevy, bro!!!)

>> You wear a backwards hat while playing golf. It's a gentleman's game. You're not Lil' Wayne playing in a charity event. Respect the sport a little bit. I'm also going to include wearing your hat backwards while playing softball. I used to think it was borderline OK...I mean, I can kinda see the whole Ken Griffey Jr. "I'm just playin' the sport I love, living the dream, baby" thing.......but last week some kid in a backwards, upside-down visor was talking shit in right-center field, so now this makes the list. Hats were made to keep the sun out of your eyes, maybe if it was on straight you wouldn't have dropped that pop-up behind second base last inning.

"Hey guyyyyyyyys, sup guys. Ready for some BP, or what?"