Two Awesome Things That Happened To Me During Noles' Wedding Weekend (That Have Nothing To Do With The Wedding)

1. On Friday night, I walked into the bathroom outside of Sugarz and heard the familar sounds of love-making coming from the bathroom stall (I shouldn't say the "familiar" sounds of love-making. In my experience, love-making sounds like an asthmatic kid desperately trying to complete a marathon without his inhaler, followed by a noise that sounds like a grizzly bear getting sucker-punched in the stomach, followed by me high-fiving the girl, then rolling over and heating up a couple of pepperoni pizza hot pockets in the microwave I keep next to my bed. The noises coming from the bathroom stall sounded different.)

The girl immediately heard me enter and instructed her partner in a breathless voice to "stop, stop, just hold on a minute." Not wanting the dude to have to stop on my account, and partly to keep me from busting out in side-splitting laughter, I started whistling softly to myself while I used the urinal. The guy and I shared a hypothetical high five and he immediately resumed nailing her to the wall as she voiced her approval through various noises that easily drowned out my rendition of the Mr. Belvedere theme song. I finished up and literally sprinted back to the patio to round up some people to help me bust the party up in the most awkward way possible (my previous good deed already long forgotten) but by the time Horp, T.Nels and I made it back to the bathroom, the couple was already on their way out the door, with clothes askew and faces flushed. Turns out the dude was kind of a Poindexter, and the chick was pretty hot, at least an 8. I don't know how he pulled that off, but I'm sure Will Smith was involved.

NO. No. No. Are you gonna listen to my advice on dance moves, or are you gonna spend the rest of your life NOT banging hot chicks in bathroom stalls?

2. Last Wednesday I was golfing with my dad and uncle at my old home course, King's Walk, and recorded my first ever hole-in-one. Par 3 4th hole, 148 yards, hit a knock-down 7-iron into the teeth of a screaming wind and WHAMMO! It was British Open-style conditions out there, so I'm actually more proud that I was able to keep my composure and finish out the round strong and shoot 1-under than I am of the hole-in-one. My only regret is the news report didn't elaborate on the wind conditions and club selection. When Pat Sweeney announced it on the Channel 8 News, he may have actually just said "Jim Hammen aced the par 3 4th hole at King's Walk today using a 7-iron" but what I heard was "A 7-iron? A fucking 7? From 148? Was he afraid a 6-iron would be too much club? What, is he a 13-year-old? What a puss."

The funniest thing is that a bunch of people who were in attendance at the wedding later that weekend came up and congratulated me, and I didn't have a clue what they were talking about (partly because it was 3 days later, partly because I had been drinking pretty much nonstop during those 3 days, and partly because I had been triple and quadruple-fisting all through the wedding dinner and was completely special sauced.) Dunph's dad, a big golf fan himself, came up at the reception and gave me heartfelt congrats, and I stood there for a good 5 seconds awkwardly shaking his hand and smiling stupidly while I wondered what the hell he was talking about, before finally remembering the hole-in-one. So needless to say I haven't been properly basking in the after-glow of my accomplishment. I think I was more excited when Cheese dinged his tee shot off a tree at 140 mph and almost killed a guy on the adjacent green at Ray Richard's on Saturday. Now THAT was awesome.