Please, somebody get that title, I realized the similarity at the last second and thought it was kinda clever, so I added the part in parentheses. Sometimes I even amaze myself. Anyway, here's a day-by-day breakdown of my vacation to the Motherland for Noles and Jenna's wedding.
WEDNESDAY HIGHLIGHTS:
- Got a hole-in-one, shot -1 at King's Walk.
WEDNESDAY LOWLIGHTS:
- None, bitch! Didn't you hear I got a hole-in-one? Read the papers.
THURSDAY HIGHLIGHTS:
- Got in a bonus round of golf with Fundy, Noles, and Hal at Lincoln.
- Won an amazing number of games of beanbags in a row, especially considering I was wearing a suit jacket from the Salvation Army, and my partner was Smapes (loooooove you, Smapes.)
Me showing Hal the form of a champion. That's how you win games, even when your partner doesn't even think about trying until you're losing 10-2.
The sole reason I put this picture up was for the benefit of anybody who ever wondered what Tiger Woods would look like if he had JJ Redick's haircut, and his beer league softball team was called the Warriors. Also notice Smapes' facial expression, which says "I hope Hammen's got another 7-point round in him, cause I sure am getting worked right now."
- What was supposed to be just a little Popolino's Pizza get-together at Casa Hammen turned into "Holy shit, it's 10:30 pm and there's 30 people on the front lawn, are we ever going to make it to the bar?" It was like when we did Lawn Sitting every day my last semester of high school, and it was wonderful.
- Eventually we made it to the bar, and I got my blackjack fix. I even won some money, but like a junkie smoking a bunch of crack for the first time in months, the money doesn't matter. Just feel that high, baby.
Noles throwing beanbags, using the same form that he would use just 48 hours later when he threw his freedom away. Baaa-zing!
THURSDAY LOWLIGHTS:
- The reason I was able to play golf that afternoon was that Paul and Mandy were running way late because, in completely typical Paul fashion, he chipped off half of his tooth while eating lunch in Fargo and had to go to the dentist immediately. Thus we missed out on a lot of Paul and Jim Time, and I had a lot of activities planned. Mostly building forts in the basement.
- I went to the bathroom shortly after we came home from the bar, only to find Paul was taking one of his patented drunken sit-down showers. I put the kibbosh down on that, because he had already kicked over all the shampoo and body wash containers and was watching them float around his body as the tub filled up, and because I didn't want to re-enact the Great Walsh Hall Flood of 2001.
- Two minutes after I pulled Paul out of the tub, I threw up.
- 10 minutes after I threw up, Paul threw up.
- 10 minutes after Paul threw up, I went back for round 2.
- So to summarize, a couple of 26-year-olds spent a decent part of the late night/early morning puking in their parents/friend's parents' bathroom while their wife and significant other listened in disgust from the bedrooms (we really should've built that fort, dude. It totally would've been no girls allowed.) Mayyyyybe it was the multiple pitchers of red bull vodka we had after 5 hours of drinking beer. But for 5 bucks for 32 ounces, we would have been stupid NOT to, right?
FRIDAY HIGHLIGHTS:
- The rest of the out-of-town-cavalry has arrived (Chelsey & Sweeney) and we also meet up with Weisser, Erica, and Lindsey, who I haven't seen in months/years. Here's all you need to know about Sweeney: she calls me when their plane lands, I pick up the phone and give a standard hello, and she responds with "What's up you fuckin' douchebag? You guys better be ready to party!"
- After having some tasties at Weisser's house (Brayden got out of control drunk and was insisting on driving, LOLZ) we eventually meet up with the wedding party and the rest of the crew, and start drinking poolside at the Holiday Inn. They shut the lights off on us at around 10:00, and we all laugh, knowing it's gonna take A LOT more than that to get us to leave before 2 am.
- The sex in the bathroom incident, obviously.
- RED PEPPER. Between that and Popolino's, it was enough to make me forget that I was in the middle of a 6-day stretch without Sonic OR Chipotle. And that's saying something.
- Things we made fun of each other for throughout the night:
Paul for the events of the previous 24 hours and the 'Donna Martin Graduates' story (and his whole life's worth of shenanigans, really)
Horp for his disappointingly constant PDA with Katie, and also for having incredibly dry hands (seriously, giving him a 'what-up bro' handshake is like high-fiving a dinosaur)
Jonye for wearing Drew Carey glasses, and for killing the Twins' season after throwing out the first pitch last year
"All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland rocks! Cleveland rocks!"
Fundy for his phone conversation when he asked Breezy to prom (which has inspired 8 years' worth of "whaddyadoin! igottagobaseball!" jokes)
Bergman for contantly calling/texting/contacting me and earning the name Brokeback Bergman
Me for constantly re-watching Star Wars and old sports events on DVD, along with the prediction that soon I'm going to start videotaping all my games during my MLB '09 season for PS3, and making Alex re-watch the classics. (Hey, who doesn't like to watch walk-offs, even if it is a video game?)
And probably others that I can't remember.
FRIDAY LOWLIGHTS:
- Paul and I lost La Copa de Joe Bueno at King's Walk to Fundy and Bergman, 2 and 1. I brought my D game (which is pretty much standard when I play team match play golf at this point) and Paul was so hungover he puked on the 13th hole, and basically just picked up his ball for a few holes during the best ball format. Thanks, partner. Our matching team uniforms were pretty baller, though.
Fundy and Bergman with their island camo shirts. Gold jacket, green jacket, shitty thrift store jacket that's 2 sizes too small, who gives a shit?
Me and Paul, aka team "I was puking in Hammen's parents' basement 12 hours ago"
- My hangover from Thursday didn't hit until like 5 pm, so it was an uphill battle for me all night to get drunk. I could've had 40 beers and still been sober (which I can say with total confidence, since I actually had 37 and still passed all my sobriety tests with flying colors after I got pulled over on the way home.)
SATURDAY HIGHLIGHTS:
- Weisser, my dad, and myself (Team Accountancy) played Bergman, Jake, and Cheese (Team Hatred, or as Jake put it- Team Bergman & Jake) in a 3-man best ball match at Ray Richard's. I should say that the round of golf itself was a highlight, but the quality of golf was certainly not. To put it this way: among all 6 of us, there were less birdies than there were instances in which a member of our group was struck by a ball hit by another member of the group. The match ended in a tie, but I can confidently say that we were all losers that day.
- The wedding ceremony. 'Twas lovely, and went off without a hitch.
"Honey, I'm trying my best to fix this, but it's really tough with all the back hair poking through the shirt...."
- The wedding dance was amazing. The dance floor was ALWAYS at least 3/4 full, every single song. The deejay told Noles that it was one of the best dance floors he's ever seen. I think everyone can agree that the best part was T.Nels and Fundy's impromptu dance-off to Sexyback.
Although watching Big Mike, The Lord of Culligan Manor, is a close second. Showing us how a true Culligan man cuts a rug.
SATURDAY LOWLIGHTS:
- During the wedding dance, I missed the Electric Slide because I was in a conversation with a bunch of people. I'd like to say it was something important, but in all likelihood it was the girls talking about how cute their dresses were, while I complained to no one in particular that I'm almost positive David Ortiz was on steroids, and that's why he sucks now. Whatever the case, I got in line to get another drink and all of a sudden I heard it was playing, and by the time I headed out to the dance floor, it was ending. Such a letdown. I don't like to brag, but me showing up for just the last 20 seconds of the Electric Slide would be like Michael Jordan finally coming out of the locker room with 3 minutes left in the 4th quarter of a Game 7, with the Bulls down by 12, and asking his teammates "Hey, what'd I miss?"
- I was a total plane crash by the end of the night, and so my goodbyes were rushed, or skipped altogether, which sucks because I can't think of the next time we'll all be assembled in the same town again. Someone else needs to hurry up and get married so we can make this happen.
1-2-3 NOT IT!!!!
