Duke vs. The Yankees

While bullshitting about sports at the bar a while ago, an interesting argument was brought up: Who is your least favorite team, all-time, any sport? I realized I couldn't answer right away, and have been pondering it in my head for a while now...Duke....or the Yankees? The scoring system is more points = more hated.

COACH

For this category, I'm counting Joe Torre as coach of the Yanks. He was in charge for most of the years in question (1990-present) so I'm not counting Joe Girardi or Buck Showalter here. So you've got Torre, an all-around likeable guy, who struggled before coming to New York. He's the kind of guy who I would love to have as coach of the Red Sox, at least before Francona hit his stride. Then you've got Coach K. Pretty classy, and his old Sega game was pretty badass...but there's just something about him that bugs me....oh yeah, he's a robot who hasn't aged since 1986. He bitches an inordinate amount to refs. And a large percentage of his players go on to have shitty pro careers. On an unrelated note, Big D does the greatest impression of Coach K whining to a referee in human history. If you disagree...I will fight you.

DUKE +1

FANS

On a personal level: The Duke fans I know (Dunph, Noles, Jenna, MyShawn) aren't too annoying (Dunph being the large exception, get bent you doucheface), and for the most part, I can sit back and giggle while they argue with Carolina fans (Fundy, Horp, Bergman.) However, I have had plenty of unnecessary, stupid, drunk arguments with Yankee fans, simply because I'm wearing a Sox hat. The only real Yankees fan I know is Brett Larson's dad, and he's cool about it; we always talk good-natured shit.

On a stereotypical national level: Yankee fans are dirty goombahs with shitty facial hair and ugly girlfriends; Duke fans are nerdy rich kids who are good at math and occasionally wet the bed still. Both teams have a knowledgable, highly supportive crowd at home games. I suppose being a Sox fan gives me more issues with Yankee fans.
YANKEES +1

"To answer your question: No, I don't really know what The Shocker is, because I haven't ever really "fooled around" with a girl before. I just see a lot of people doing this in pictures on MySpace and have always thought it looks really cool. Plus it combines with my facial expression to really give off that 'I'm a gigantic douchebag' vibe that I'm going for. Hey, do you wanna read some of my poems? No? Fine, I gotta go anyway, me and Adam Morrison have a date to play some online Halo."

ANNOYING TEAM SUCCESS

Similar here. In my lifetime, the Yankees have been good since about '95, and they've been really good. 9 straight division titles, a bunch of World Series titles, always an outstanding record, generally owning the Sox as well. You just know that they're making the playoffs somehow, someway, every single year. However, the last few years, starting with Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS, they've become chokers in the playoffs. This has been enjoyable to watch.

Duke has been good since Terminator K-1000 failed to kill John Connor and instead accepted the head coaching job at Duke. A few titles (including one over KU in '91) a bunch of final fours, and an obscene amount of #1 or #2 seeds in the tourney. When they don't make the Sweet 16 it is a huge deal. However, one of those years was last year, and they have only 1 final four in the last six. I wouldn't say they've been choking, but they haven't been living up to their lofty expectations. One wrinkle in this category is that both sports' postseasons are more fun when they are involved. If my team is eliminated, the next best thing is rooting against one of them. Since the Sox have kind of reversed their fortunes against the Yanks lately, and they are now owners of the biggest choke job in sports history, and KU has only beat Duke once in the tourney since I started watching college hoops, Duke gets the slight edge.

DUKE +1

ANNOYING INDIVIDUALS

Maybe my favorite category. No shortage for either side. Duke has JJ Redick, Christian Laettner, Danny Ferry, Steve Wojoadflkajfldski, Shavlik Randolph, Bobby Hurley, Lee Melchionni, Greg Paulus, and Josh McRoberts (awaiting membership: Kyle Singler, Craig Horp- I mean, Jon Scheyer.) Just an absolute murderers' row of geeky/cocky white dudes. Not to say that there aren't some black guys that I have hated (Gerald Henderson, Shelden Williams, etc.) but the white guys carry the load here. There is also the aforementioned Coach K and his assistant coaches, who come across as a Frat brother and his freshman pledges. I mean, really, Coach K, you can't even do your own interviews, you make Johnny Dawkins do them?

"Coach K, we did it! We did it! I love you, Coach. You're the greatest."

"I love you too, Wojo. Now go pull my car around front and pick me up, you little bitch."

"Wh-uhhh, what, Coach?"

"You heard me, Pledge! You wanna be an assistant coach someday, don't you?!"

"Well, yeah, I just-"

"Then go pull up my FUCKING CAR!!!"

The Yankees have a couple of different categories of annoying. There are the players that I would hate no matter who they played for: Gay-Rod (shocker, I know), Jorge Posada, Roger Clemens, Paul O'Neill, Chuck Knoblauch, Mike Mussina, Derek Jeter, Joba Chamberlain. Then there are those who I only hate because they play(ed) for the Yankees: JOHNNY DAMON, Jason Giambi, Hideki Matsui, Gary Sheffield, Mariano Rivera, Bernie Williams.

For each team, there are only a couple of players I have ever liked. Duke has Grant Hill and Thomas Hill. The Yanks have Robinson Cano and Alfonso Soriano.

For what it's worth, my least favorite NBA player (Kobe) was going to Duke if he didn't go straight to the pros. Just sayin'.

My first thought was to give Duke the point here, but then I realized that a lot of their players are such dipshits that I just laugh at them (case in point: Greg Paulus), whereas I hate guys like Gay-Rod, Posada, etc. with a burning passion, to the point that I am literally furious when they succeed.

YANKEES +1

Yeah, Horp, sorry that you got jacked in the face, that totally sucks. But, and don't take this the wrong way.... but maybe if you stopped getting shitfaced, going to some innocent family's house thinking that it's yours, and proceeding to beat the crap out of the front door until the police are called, then things like this wouldn't happen....

MEDIA BIAS

Rather big for both sides, but in different ways. The Yankees get more coverage since they are on the east coast, they are always good, they have a million fans, and they are more interesting. But it's not like the media is slanted towards them. If anything, they get cut less slack and get ripped in the media more than a normal team, since their payroll is so huge. You can watch a Yankees game on ESPN and the announcers will actually call the game.

Now, Duke.....Holy shit. When I was 8 years old and just loving the announcers at their face value, Dick Vitale was the bomb. Always yelling, saying funny stuff, has a genuine excitement for the game...he was the best. Now I've grown up and I actually listen to what he's saying, and you would be hard-pressed to find a more biased announcer in the history of sports media. And of course he has brought Mike Patrick along for the ride. Listening to those two get hard while commentating Duke games is disgusting.
DUKE +1

MISCELLANEOUS:

Duke gets more favorable calls from referees than any team in any sport, and I won't argue about that. It's a fact. However, I don't want any comments from Bergman (or any other UNC fan that may comment) on this topic. ACC refs in general play favorites towards the big name schools. Listening to UNC fans complain about the refs favoring Duke has always drove me nuts; it's like going to 'Dude, Where's My Car?', sitting next to Hayden Christensen in the theater, and listening to him complain about how bad of an actor Ashton Kutcher is.

DUKE +1

The Yankees have caused more damage to me personally than Duke. Duke made me cry when I was 8, when they beat KU in the championship. The Yankees sent me into a "Michael Douglas in Falling Down" type meltdown after the Aaron Boone homer in 2003. Alcohol played a major role here, but still...

YANKEES +1

Don Zimmer charging Pedro in the 2003 ALCS, then everyone making Pedro out to be worse than Hitler for tossing him to the ground. Actually, that was pretty bad. I still blame Zimmer, though.

YANKEES +1

Gerald Henderson basically punching Tyler Hansbrough in the face and breaking his nose, then Coach K defending him, and going on to blame Roy by saying Hansbrough shouldn't have still been in the game anyway.

DUKE +1

Roger Clemens throwing the piece of bat at Mike Piazza.

YANKEES +1

Christian Laettner stomping on the Kentucky player's chest, not getting tossed or even T'd up, and then hitting his miracle buzzer beater later that game.

DUKE +1

Derek Jeter unnecessarily diving headfirst into the stands to make his catch of a foul pop-up look really badass.

YANKEES +1

"Hey, Jeets, what's up, buddy? You hurt your arm yesterday or somethin?"

"Oh yeah, crazy story actually. I was playing catch with my nephew in the driveway, and one of his tosses got away from him a little bit, and after I ran the ball down- totally sweet catch, by the way, you should've seen it- my momentum carried me right into the street and I got hit by a car!"

"Your nephew is like 7, isn't he?"

"Yeah, but what can I say? Kid's got an arm on him. And besides, what could I have done, let the ball get by me? No way! Uhh, last time I checked, the name on the back of my jersey says Jeter. Well, actually, we don't have names on the back of our real jerseys, but yesterday I was wearing my custom-made Jeter jersey I ordered off the internet. Only $8 a letter, and now I have my own Yankees jersey that actually has my name on it. It's pretty awesome, I gotta be honest with you. Anyways, I'm Derek Jeter, bro! I gotta make that catch no matter what! And don't worry, I popped right up after I got hit by that car and ran the ball back in to my nephew. I even felt good enough to get a pretty fucking sweet fist pump in there, too. He was pretty impressed, I could tell. I dunno, just watch SportsCenter tonight, it'll probably make the top 10 or something."

"Holy cow! What a story! You really do have the heart of a champion. I would never have gone after the ball like that! I would've let it go by, and then just make sure I hit a three-run homer my next time up. Unless it was, like, a close game and it was after the 6th inning. Then I probably would've popped up or something. I guess that's why New York loves you and hates me, huh buddy? Hahahaaaaa......good stuff, Jeets. Good stuff."

"What about you? Your arm looks a little sore, too."

"Oh, my arm? Not really a big deal, I guess....I was in a pretty intense circle jerk last night. Things got pretty aggressive. Good time, though."

The Duke fans using a 'cheer sheet' to make fun of opposing players. You're all a bunch of 4.0 students, but you can't heckle somebody without writing it down and studying first? Let's go, it's not your AP Trig mid-term, it's saying mean things to another human being who isn't allowed to say anything back.

DUKE +1

Gay-Rod slapping the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's hand in Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS, and his reaction of complete innocence afterwards.

YANKEES +1

Shelden Williams' face, Shane Battier's Ripplehead.

DUKE +1

Jeffrey Maier.

YANKEES +1

And so it appears we're all tied up. If only I had some sort of tiebreaker.....

Yep. That'll do. Santa-Rod? No thanks. Final score: Yankees 9, Duke 8.