Broke Into The Old Apartment...

...actually Jean, a.ka. the Culligan Man's Wife, called me and told me I should go look at it, since they've spent the last month fixing it up. I hadn't even been in the old neighborhood lately (mostly since I haven't eaten at Fat Albert's and I haven't needed a used car) so I rounded up Jon-Jon and we went to see everything. First of all, it isn't even Culligan Manor anymore; Mike decided to drop the Culligan franchise and go with Aqua Pure. Aqua Pure Manor just doesn't roll off the tongue, you know?

Anyways, for those readers who haven't been to the Manor, just ignore this paragraph. For everyone else: the landing at the bottom of the steps is now a sleek hardwood; there is a new front door and a new door leading to the roof; new carpet in the living room; all the wood paneling in the living room is gone, replaced by a new coat of paint; the bedrooms are all painted that color now; the elementary school-style panel lights are gone, to be replaced by lamps; and the carpet in the kitchen that had been permanently destroyed by flippy cup is now linoleum. It was eye-opening, to say the least.

Monday is moving day, and although I am plenty excited to leave Grand Forks and start real life, I can't help but be nostalgic, since I have lived here for 19 years. Here are some things I will miss:

• Noonball. I couldn't imagine playing ball with a better group of guys.


• Being able to drive from anywhere in town to anywhere else in 12 minutes or less.


• Fat Albert's, Happy Joe's, and Popolino's. I'm excited to find new favorite food places in Lawrence, but I am nervous (yes, nervous. I have the appetite of a morbidly obese man, and I take food seriously) that I will not find places to match up with those three.


• The fact that the most expensive season golf pass in town was $450. Actually the prices of everything were nice. I can't back this up with any facts, but I'm pretty sure UND is one of the cheapest universities in the country.


• Summers. We pay for it in winter, but for someone like me who can't function in 95 degrees, our summers are gorgeous. Even though they only last 2 1/2 months.


• The general attitude about drinking held by most everyone. This town seems to have many events that enthusiastically promote drinking that begins at 7 AM (or earlier, when we were younger and abused alcohol more.) My favorites are the curling tournament at Southgate, and, of course, Springfest, which has made national news, and probably deserves its own post.

However, me being the cynical asshole that I sometimes am, I couldn't leave out things that I will not miss:

• The streetlight situation. This falls under the general category of "town officials thinking G.F. is bigger and cooler than it really is." Yeah, our population is growing. Does that mean we need a stoplight at 20th and 24th (Bringewatt Park), in the middle of a residential area, when the old four-way stop worked JUST FINE? How about at 17th and 34th (Century school)? 20th and Gateway? Which, not coincidentally, leads the league by a wide margin in "most red lights getting blatantly run through by people who are pissed that there is even a light there in the first place." I did this probably 20-25 times a year.


• The sports coverage. Obviously I don't fault us for having the Minnesota teams as our teams. In Ron Burgundy voice: "It's geography." My beef is the inconsistency. Since we are D-I in hockey, and UND merits national attention, then Minnesota is our bitter, hated rival. Oh boy! The Gophers are coming to town! Boooooo!!!!! But then, when the article is about college basketball, our headline is "Gophers Drop Heartbreaker" and goes on to talk about them like they are our boys. I would rather they just not talk about college basketball. This made me unbelievably mad, even as an 8 year old, and forced me to choose favorite teams from all over the country rather than follow our own "teams."


• The fact that we are a hockey town and not a basketball town. One of the reasons why I am most excited to move to Lawrence. I fucking hate hockey.
  
• Whenever the river level rises a bit in the spring, we are barraged with comparisons to the water level on that date in 1997, and given multiple projections and scenarios and charts and graphs, and the mathematical possibilities of 1997 happening again, juuuuust til it gets to the point where you get sucked in and start worrying that flood is going to reoccur, and then of course the water crests and you feel stupid for buying into the hype.
• The Alerus Center. In its defense, I will say it's cool when you go to playoff football games and it's indoors, not -31 with the windchill; but once again, our city is not big enough or cool enough to warrant having it. And now of course it's hemorrhaging money, and the powers that be don't understand why. Really? A city of under 60,000 with rural surroundings and a large elderly/Norwegian contingent couldn't sell out the Backstreet Boys? Are you serious?

Anyways, Grand Forks has been very good to me, and I will miss it. Sort of.