This was gonna be a huge list of memorable events from the last few years, but after it threatened to rain today for about 10 hours, it did not, so our 5 on 5 outdoor league is not cancelled, and I have to leave it at just a couple of my favorites. Annnnnygay.....
October 2003: The staircase leading up to our place has approximately 25 steps, carpeted and very steep. So the fact that it took over a year to involve said staircase in any kind of drinking game is beyond me. The game is simple: Go down the stairs on a saucer-style sled with a full keg cup. Try and keep the cup full. So after a few of us guys go, spilling beer everywhere, getting rug burns, cuts, and bruises galore, St. Aubyn's then-girlfriend Jen wants to go. After making her verbally release us from all liability, we let her go. A couple stairs into her magical journey she flips over, and tumbles head over heels the rest the way down. Russell, at the bottom of the stairs, thinks quickly and opens up the door to the outside as she slides past, and she finally comes to a stop after crashing into my car a few feet outside the door. As we sprint downstairs to survey the damage, Jen, who by this time has burst into tears and has multiple open wounds all over her body, proudly holds up her cup between sobs. "Look! I didn't spill anything!" As we stood there and stared at her completely full keg cup, I thought, 'this is what it must have been like to watch Jesus perform miracles in biblical times.' Easily, EASILY, one of the most indescribable things I have ever witnessed.
July 2006: This was about 2 days before Horp left for Phoenix, or, put another way, about 5 days AFTER he peed the couch and didn't tell anyone. Horp and Jon-Jon go out boozing, and Horp picks up a girl who had been phone-banging him for quite some time. For the sake of protecting identities, we'll call her "Nikki Weber." Cons: Nikki is borderline crazy, plus she has already made out with a few of our friends. Pros: Not bad looking, plus Horp leaves in 2 days, which relatively mitigates the crazy factor. So as they drive back to Culligan, Horp asks Jon-Jon not to hang out in the living room, as he needed some alone time to close the deal, rather than heading straight to the bedroom. Jon-Jon's legitimate response: "Where the fuck am I supposed to go?" Horp's plan: "Go to Jim's room, pretend it's yours, so she doesn't assume that I'm making you hide in there."
So about 20 minutes later, I come home, a little tuned up myself. I go into the living room and see Horp and a girl on the couch (Horp of course being careful to avoid sitting in the pee spot), getting a little cozy. Here's what transpired next:
I burst into my room. (Quick sidenote: in the summer, without a fan on, it's approximately 113 degrees in my room.) So picture a seven-foot guy, sitting in my bed, sweating like Patrick Ewing during warmups, watching Family Guy with no volume because A) he is trying to listen to Horp run game, and B) he can't find the remote, and can't turn on the light because he is supposed to be sleeping.
Me, shouting "What are you doing in my bed? You're sweating EVERYWHERE!!"
Jon-Jon, whispering "This is MY room, sshhh"
Nikki "What? Whose room is that?"
Horp "Fuck"
Me "What the fuck is going on?"
Jon-Jon, finally deciding he has sacrificed enough for Horp tonight "Horp told her that this was my room cause he needed some time still."
Me "HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
Horp, quietly to Nikki "C'mon, let's go to my room now"
After they exited stage right, Jon-Jon told me the whole story. We then made big signs that said "Go get 'er, Horp!!!" found her digital camera in her purse (which she foolishly left out in the living room, and had ourselves a good photo shoot. Nikki was not impressed with these pictures the next day, and boy did Horp hear about it.
October 2004: Halloween. Unfortunately, we really do have to protect some identities in this story. Our friend "Doug" is in town, and looking for love in all the wrong places. At this party are two girls he has history with. Girl number one, "Mary", is a huge question mark. She is totally and completely insane, which obviously increases when she drinks. She is decent looking, but given her history with Doug, is not at all a guarantee. The other, "Dorothy", is a sure thing, but much less attractive than Mary. So Doug plays it like any guy should: put in some face time with Dorothy early, then spend most of his efforts seeing how Mary feels that particular evening. At one point, I find Mary alone, behind the water heater in the cellar, crying. "Doug is such an asshole!" She screams to me. I agree: yes, Doug is an asshole, do some consoling, and bid her adieu, as we are leaving within 10 minutes. Details are sketchy on what the fuck exactly happened next, or what Doug was thinking or doing in the ensuing 10 minutes, but next thing I know, our car ride back to Culligan looks like this: ADawg driving, Doug in the passenger seat, Mary, Dorothy, and me (trying to slit my wrists) in the backseat. Each girl is only vaguely aware of the other at this point. Worst. Car ride. Ever.
We get home and I literally sprint for my room, to listen and wait for the inevitable to happen. After a couple minutes, Mary figures out what is going on, and the jig is up. Dorothy takes it like a champ, and since her and I are friends, she then comes to my room (not for that!!!) to wait out Tropical Storm Mary, which quickly escalates into Hurricane Mary. As we tune in with wonder and agony, Mary unleashes a barrage of personal attacks on Doug, and when that doesn't please her, she begins the plate-throwing portion of her fury. It was like the fucking Real World Denver out there. After a brief struggle, Mary is subdued, and after a few minutes even starts laughing with Doug. This proves to only be the eye of the storm. It eventually ends with her storming out, walking 3 blocks, turning around and demanding a ride, Doug refusing to give her one, and Doug and Dorothy making out shortly thereafter. Good stuff.
No comments:
Post a Comment